Infertiltiy and me

I think I may be back

2010-10-19T17:12:00.003-05:00

So it has been months and months since my last blog. I have absolutely no idea what is going on with all of you guys. I am going to spend the rest of tonight finding out though. I am so sorry that I deserted you guys I just had to get away from everything ttc related for a while. I just couldn't do it anymore. Everything was just overwhelming me. So I took a break. I didn't plan to take a break I just did it. I just stopped everything, stopping blogging, stopped talking to my girls on bbc, stopping ttc, stopped everything.

I guess I should go way back and fill you guys in on what you missed.

First off my sister had her baby. She is amazing, beautiful, wonderful, and my sister is a fantastic mom. I got to be there when my beautiful niece was born and it was like nothing else I've ever experienced. My sister was a natural at child birth. She only had to push for about 5 minutes! Can you believe it? I was just in awe of her the whole time. All in all it really was an amazing experience.

I also got a new job. I am still bartending but I now bartend in a four star hotel bar. The money I am making now is really amazing considering I haven't even graduated yet. I am just really happy and excited about it.

So that is the happy news. The bad news is that I was diagnosed as having PCOS. I think that may be the reason for my sudden ttc break down. I was actually pretty blindsided by the diagnosis. I mean I knew I had a few of the symptoms (acne, weight gin round my mid section, not being ble to get pregnant) but I always thought that it was because of DH's issues not mine. My periods are always so regular that I just never thought that it was a possibility.

I must admit I wasn't as devastated as when DH was diagnosed with azoo but I did cry at the doctors office, actually bawled is a more apt description. I was so embarrassed but there was no way of keeping it back after all we have been through.

Since then my sister (not the one who just had a baby) has also being diagnosed with PCOS. She isn't even ttc. She just passed out at work one day, was rushed to the hospital, only to find out that one of her fallopian tubes had collapsed, due to a large cyst on one of her overies.

The doc put me on metformin for the PCOS and thyroid meds for the hypothyroidism. Oh ye, did I mention that I also have hypothyroidism? sigh. I don't seem to have much of a reaction to the metformin alone I don't think, but the thyroid meds are awful. They make me dopey and hyper, jittery and tired, they are just terrible.

I did one round of clomid + progesterone (while also taking the metformin and thyroid meds) a few months ago with just timed BDing. It didn't get us pg but it was a success in that it did make me O. I did have some pretty yucky side effects with the clomid as well. It was fine at first but after O it gave me the worst hot flashes which lasted for months. I also had the worst PMS of my life. It was terrible, I was an emotional wreck for about 4 days. I felt pretty sorry for poor DH after that.

So after that we took about 2 months off. No ttcing at all.

Now we are considering an IUI. Since the clomid didn't treat me that well the RE is going to let me go strait to an IUI with injectables.

I am not really sure what I want to do now though. I am not sure if I really have what it takes to try anymore. I am exhausted emotionally. I just feel so much happier when I am not ttc. DH does not understand this at all. He is frustrated that I have completely given up on ttc naturally. What he doesn't seem to understand is that it is impossible. The RE said that without meds he gives us less then 1% chance of conceiving naturally. I mean that's nothing. That means it's impossible. The emotional wear and tear of the bfn's every month are too much to take when the chances are not there. Dh's answer to this is "you never know, miracles happen", my answer to that is "you watch too many movies".

So now I am just debating on what to do. To try or not to try, that is the question.

I don't even know if anyone will read this now, it's been so long. But if you're out there reading this please let me know you're there nd how you are. I miss you guys.

Need pairs of eyes

2010-04-16T00:08:00.002-05:00

So good news and bad news.

The good news is that I got my pre-seed in the mail and it helped us tramendously. It really made bding feel so much better. And because of this our last two tries have been very successfull. So I got my first +opk on the fourteenth and we dtd the next two days after so I am feeling really good about it.

Also more good news is that it was our fourth anniversary today. It was great dh came home with a beautiful orchid for me and took me out to a fab dinner. It was great.

So bad news is that my chart is driving me crazy. My temps are so eratic that it makes me wonder if I am having an anovulatory cycle. The funny thing is though that my temps seem to be following a similar pattern that I have had before so I sm not sure what to think. If anyone wouldn't mind taking a look at it and letting me know what they think I would really appriciate it.

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/27d21a

Not again

2010-04-13T01:31:00.002-05:00

So today is CD12, and the first day of our EOD schedule; or so I thought. We BD'd twice today and...nothing. Arrrrrg! Each time took forever too. I am exhausted, and sore, and fed up. I am beginings to think that maybe this is just not meant to be.

It took me five years of waiting for dh to be ready to have a kid, then a year of ttc, 6 months of meds for azoo, and now this. I can't help but think "is someone trying to tell me something"

Premature optimism

2010-04-09T08:37:00.002-05:00

So obviously it is early in my cycle, I am only on CD9. But I am feeling optimistic about this cycle. I have ordered some preseed. I have got some folic acid to start taking again. I really think that Dh is really on board to give this a great try this cycle.

It is the last natural cycle that we will be attempting and I have high hopes for it. Obviously that means that I will probably be going crazy later on in the cycle, but that is far into the future at this point so I am not too worries about it now.

I also ordered some Internet cheapy hpt's. I am planning on testing early this cycle. Last month the am I or aren't I part is what drove me nuts, so this cycle I have a new plan. I will test as early as possible and as the negatives keep showing up (which I obviously hope they don't) I will become more and more prepared for AF. That way I wont be devastated when she actually does show up.

I know, believe me I know, that repeatedly seeing no second line on a hpt can be heart wrenching, and I am sure that I will change my mind after a few months of seeing them again. But for now this is my plan and it couldn't be worse then last month.

As of right now though I am excited and looking forward to the weeks to come. This is my month, I am going to have that as my mantra!

My love list

2010-04-07T02:20:00.004-05:00

Ok sorry for the cheese factor here, but I am going to post my list of things I love, big and small to remind me (when I get crazy and stressed out during my 2ww this month) about how I have it good.

Ok here goes, in no particular order...

My DH
My dogs
My brothers and sisters
My Mum
My Dad
My Step dad
My new house
To cook
To garden
My TV shows
Video games
Stand up (funny ones anyway)
My best friends Courtney and Mary
My extended family
My Nanny (Grandmother)
Baths
Lamps
Salt and vinegar potato chips
chocolate (especially orange)
Coffee
The smell of vanilla
Warm towels
My IPhone
My fireplace
Crossword puzzles
Curry
Sunday dinners
My in-laws
Making artwork
Spring weather
Christmas
Peking duck
Playing board games
A great book
A great movie

to be continued

Migraines, tension headaches, or something else?

2010-04-06T01:36:00.002-05:00

So I went to the doctor today and they have no idea why I am getting these "headaches". He says that my headaches don't fit the exact profile of a migraine because thay don't typically come on only one side and I get no type of aura's (flashes of light or spots that sometimes a precursor to migraine attacks). He also said that they don't sound like tension headaches because tension headaches don't usually come with nausea and light and sound sensitivity.

He did say that it could be a combination of both but he finds this unlikely since I have no personal or family history of either.

he did give me migraine and tension headache meds though and he wants me to try them for no longer then one week. Then if they don't work after the week is up he wants me to come in for an MRI to make sure I don't have any anomalies like a tumor, but not to worry. I mean come on, who's not going to worry when a doctor says to you come back in a week and we'll make sure you don't have a brain tumor? What kind of crap is that?

As for the meds I tried them tonight and they are definitely a no go. They tension headache meds did nothing while the migraine meds made me feel worse. So I don't think I'll even wait the week if this keeps up.

I just hope they find something that works. I'm sure I don't have a brain tumor, but it is still scary. Why do docs always have to make you so nervous?

Happy Easter

2010-04-04T13:45:00.002-05:00

Happy Easter to all of my friends in the blogasphere.

So AF came and went, as I kind of knew she would. She came to visit me early this time which makes me think that my timing was very off and that we probably didn't BD until after I O'd.

This month Dh and I discussed making sure that we BD EOD from the 12 to the 18 day of my cycle. That way we cover every eventuality. Also I think I will go back to using OPK's again. And possibly even temping. I enjoy temping later on in my cycle because it gives mr something to do with myself.

Also I have decided to start using preseed and taking baby asprin every day.

On a side note, I don't know if I ever mentioned it before but I have been having terrible migraines for the last 3 months or so. They are becoming pregressively worse and more frequent. I am going to the doctor tomorrow and I am a little nervous.

ttyl

Oops

2010-03-31T21:52:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I am terrible at taking my temp first thing in the morning. I always forget, I do other things and then remember to do it about a minute orr so after I wake up. So this cycle I thought that I had a bright idea to take my temp everday at the same time after sitting still on the couch for a while. Let me tell you, this does not work!

I let myself get all excited about my temps being so "high" this cycle. So after taking my temp the same way I have been all week I suddenly decided to take it again after I realized I had been lying still for about an hour. The temperature drop was almost a full degree, doh!

What I did realize from this cycle though is waiting to test does not work for me. I thought that waiting until I missed AF to test would help me be less obsessed, it didn't. In fact it made me obsess about every other way you could "tell". It made me check my temp in worng ways, it made me check my CP and CM every time I went to the bathroom, it made me obsess about non existant symptoms.

Next month I am just going back to testing early. At least when I do that I start to get jaded by 11DPO and I learn to accept the impending BFN much easier.

I know that this way is definitely not for everone, but it is what works for me.

Next time will be different

2010-03-30T01:48:00.002-05:00

After talking to DH about whether or not to do an IUI next month, we made some desisions. We decided that we are going to get some bikes. LOL. Ok so here is the conection, we decided that we are out of shape. That since Dh has never been a, shall we say, minute man. That sex is a bit of a work out that neither one of us is very well equiped for.

I have got to tell you, after about 20 minutes of bumping and grinding I am ready to call it quits.

So we decided to get bikes and we will hopefully excersize a lot more. Dh is much more into this idea then I am, but we shall see.

That being said, we also decided that next month will be our last natural try. If we don't get pregnant next month after doing everything we can by ourselves, we will get medical help.

I didn't really want things to work out like this but I am tired. Tired of not being pregnant. At this point I will take all the help I can get.

Doesn't count

2010-03-29T17:03:00.002-05:00

I am so upset with my DH right now. I just feel like he is being totally insensitive. I have been kind of emotional today (I suppose that means AF is right around the corner) and he is being such a jerk. I told him that I have watched 23 people get pregnant while we have been "trying" and he said that "it doesn't really count". I was flabergasted, I mean why would it not count? He said that because we didn't have any sperm that none of this last year counted because we have been trying with no chance of success. That this is the first month that really counts at all. He thinks that I am just being "negative".

I feel like putting it that way just discounts all of the pain I have been through so far. Like I haven't really gone through anything at all because it didn't even count.

I am just so upset right now. Am I overreacting here?

9DPO, arggg

2010-03-28T04:18:00.002-05:00

This is why I hate ttc...the waiting. My type A personality does not do well with the unknown. I wish I could say that I have been calm and collected. I wish I was all of those things and more. I am a veteran of ttc, I should know better then this. I should know how to relax by now.

Ok so maybe that isn't something that comes in time. Maybe it's something you either have or you don't have. I should really get rid of my account on ff. Ff is what kills me, I have to check it twice a day. Why I don't know, it's not like the information on it changes.

Ok I need to try to keep my mind on other things. I need to face the fact that we more then likely were too late this cycle. The statistics are against me. Maybe if I can convince myself that there is absolutly no chance of me being pg I could relax.

latent blogger

2010-03-24T03:32:00.002-05:00

Sorry i haven't been posting much at all recently. I went about a week without the Internet because of the move, but apart from that I have been so busy with the new house.

Now that's out of the way, onto what has been going on with me.

If you can remember way back to my previous blog, we were debating on whether or not to "try" this cycle. Well, we decided to go for it, but it didn't exactly go as planned. First of all I had been planning on doing the EOD method of trying since DH's count is still kind of low. Well that method back fired big time. We tried to stick to the schedule but the first day we were supposed to try, we couldn't because DH had to work all day and I had to work all night and we actually didn't even see each other at all that whole day. So that was a bust.

On the second scheduled day we tried...and tried...and tried. Dh was just not going to "finish". I was getting sore and frustrated so eventually we just stopped. I have got to tell you guys I was so upset, and I did not hide this from DH. This led to DH being so upset with me that we didn't try the next day either, which admittedly was probably best because I was actually in pain from trying for so long the last time.

So finally it is the day of O and we tried successfully. I am pretty sure that it was too late though, all EWCM was gone by that point.

So our chances are slim this month. I have got so say though, what I was scared of has happened anyway. I am back on ff everyday, I am already counting the days, I am 5DPO btw. I am frustrating myself. I am back to being upset and negative about ttc. I wanted this time to be different. I wanted to be cool, calm, and collected like I have been these previous months. I swear that ttc is just not good for me. It makes me crazy, obsessive, and upset.

I need to get a grip.

Sorry that I have to come back after so long of not posting with such a negative post but this is how I am feeling right now, and unfortunatly this is typically where I vent.

Confused

2010-03-07T04:37:00.002-06:00

I think I must be confused. I am so incredibly happy that DH's count has gone back up. I have been so excited that we have officially been given the go ahead to start trying again. For some crazy reason though, I have been thinking of reasons why we should wait. Reason one is that I wanted to lose a bit of weight. Reason two is that I always thought that it would really suck to be born in December. Reason three I stopped taking folic acid supplements a while ago when we stopped trying and you should really take them months in advance.

What am I doing? Why am I sabotaging myself? Am I scared that this might actually be a possibility now? Or am I scared of feeling that old sting of disappointment that I am getting used to feeling?

I think maybe deep down that I might have thought that this might not happen for us. That maybe I am scared of getting my hopes up again. If I do this, if I actually alow myself hope, I am putting myself back up on that precipice and I may fall. I am scared.

2010-03-03T00:14:00.001-06:00

Ok so I am now officially in my 30's

almost 30

2010-03-02T22:48:00.001-06:00

I have an hour and a half left in my 20's! Ahhhhhhhh

We have more sperm!

2010-03-01T23:48:00.003-06:00

We had our four month check up today and the results were as follows...

Volume 2.50
Density 21.60M/ml
Motility 40%
Forward progression 2.5

Total count 54.00M
Total motile 21.60M

Oval 30%
Amorphous 70%

Clumping 1
Round cells 4-5
Viscosity 2

The count for us, is amazing!!! I could not be happier!!! I was really hoping for anything over 10M, and we have 54M, I am ecstatic! I am slightly concerned about the viscosity issue, I'm not too sure what that means, but all in all I am overjoyed!

Eventful

2010-02-22T02:39:00.001-06:00

He this week has been semi eventful. I say semi eventful because there have been a few actual events but there have also been emotional ones.

First off, the actual events. I went with my sister to the doc for her first official ultrasound. I have to tell you, it was an extremely emotional experience. At first I wanted to go because I thought that it would be nice to be there for my sister and to hear the heartbeat. What I didn't bank on was how crazy it would make me feel. I was in the waiting room while she had her preliminary pap smear done and it hit me that this was going to be my first experience with an obgyn relating to pregnancy. I suddenly thought about how this was going to be the first time I would actually hear a baby's heartbeat, and I kind of freaked out. I suddenly had the urge to run. To make up some excuse as to why I had to go outside and miss being there. I had no idea I would feel so strongly about it. I have heard people talk before about how hard it is to see other people get to be pregnant while dealing with IF but so far I have dealt with it pretty well, this was different.

So I fought the urge to run, and I am so glad I did. I don't think I will ever forget it. It was so amazing to see that little baby. I had no idea that it would look so much like a baby already. I also had no idea how amazing it would be to see my sisters face light up in awe like that. I am so happy that I got to share that with her.

I can't say that her girlfriend felt the same way about me being there. She actually seemed incredibly mad that I was there. I also read on my sisters facebook that her fantastic day quickly dissipated after she got home. SO I imagine that they got into a fight about it. I am so sad for my sister that this is happening to her. I am starting to realize that her girlfriend is just not treating her very well at all. I wish that there was something I could do. It is a pretty helpless feeling.

So onto the more emotional events, as if that wasn't one of them. Dh and I have been fighting a lot since we decided to buy a house. It seemed as though DH was having misgivings about the whole thing although he never said so. He would just be moody and almost mean to me. So this went on for about a week and a half when I finally lost it and we got into a huge blow out fight. It turned out that DH felt like I thought of this as my house that he was going to be living in since the down payment was a gift from my father. I was really shocked. We had talked about how my Dad was going to do this for years before hand and he had never said anything negative about it. SO after we talked and I explained to him that I don't think of anything as only mine, that we are married and everything we have is communal, he calmed down. Now he is really happy about the whole thing, and we are getting along great! Isn't it funny though how one person can be thinking something so completely opposite from the other?

After we talked, like really talked, lots of other things came up too. Like I found out that since we have been going through the IF process that DH has been wanting children more and more. This was a real breakthrough for us because I one point DH wasn't even sure he wanted children at all. So to think of him longing for this as much, or even close to as much was an amazing feeling for me. We took a walk around an area where our restaurant was the other day and DH wanted to stop and watch the children playing with the fountains, it was so great. We even spoke about how since this process has been so hard that he was even hoping, as I am, that we could possibly have twins. He even went so far as to suggest triplets, which I am hoping was a joke, lol. He also mentioned the fact that he is no open to the possibility of IUI's, which was always a no go for him because of the fear of having twins. Not even the money issues that I mentioned put him off. I was ecstatic!

So it has been quite a week. I honestly couldn't be happier. Now we just need some good news next week on DH's SA and we will be overjoyed!

Change of plans

2010-02-17T03:47:00.002-06:00

So we are moving forward on the house. We signed the contracts last week and I did the walk-through today. There was really very little wrong with the house, just a few scraped walls and some clean up issues, nothing that couldn't be easily fixed. I am going back tomorrow with blue painters tape to mark off any area's that I see paint chips or just places that need touch ups.

I went shopping for furniture today as well so that is always fun. I found a really nice bedroom set that honestly has enough furniture to fill the master and provide some for the guest bedroom. I can't wait to get shopping for real next week!

Now on to ttc news...

We have an appointment with Dr. L in about two weeks to see where DH's sperm levels are. I am super nervous about this appointment because it will be at the four month mark. Dr. L said that we should be on track anywhere from 3-6 months so this should be a really good indicator of where we are and where we will get.

Also I can't remember if I had mentioned it previously but we had decided to put ttcing on hold for this cycle and next no matter what the SA results where. This month is already super stressful with the new house and the move so it wouldn't exactly be an ideal time to find out I was pregnant. Then if I got pregnant the next month we would have a December baby and DH and I thought that we would rather just wait if we had the choice. So here is where life gets in the way of good planning, lol. I called the pharmacy yesterday no refill DH's presciption and the nurse tells me that they are no longer carrying the generic hcg. The company that they get it from was out of it and they decided that the name brand company was more reliable.

So ok I can understand this logic but the name brand one is much more expensive and comes with only three weeks worth of medicine. So since the medication is now going to cost a hack of a lot more then we previously thought giving up two cycles doesn't sound as smart as it once did.

Unfortunately for me it is slightly late this cycle to realize that. I will be Oing tomorrow. We are going to give a a good college try tomorrow but I highly doubt that someone who more then likely has a pretty low count would succeed with just one try.

SO I guess that after our appointment in two weeks then we can reevaluate whether or not we are going to try and skip March or not.

For now though I am feeling really good. I love our house and I can't wait to move in!

Drama

2010-02-14T08:37:00.002-06:00

So as many of you may remember my sister and I have had some issues lately. I wasn't exactly happy about the fact that she recently became pregnant under less then favorable conditions. We have, since then, primarily worked it out. We are talking again, even though it does stay slightly politer then usual. We have made dates to hang out, though for some reason or another it always seems to fall through. We haven't had the make up talk yet, but I feel pretty confidant we will. All in all the situation is resolving itself.

The problem I am having now is with her girlfriend. We all work together, my sister, her, and I. Things at work have become literally intolerable. For some reason her girlfriend has decided that she hates everyone we work with including me. We have had no explanation as to why that is and no efforts to fix the situation have even come close to working. I really don't know what to do at this point. She is just so increadably rude and mean to everyone at work. It is making being at work like torture. I have tried to talk to my sister to try and find out what is going on but she just says that she doesn't know. I haven't even tried talking to her myself because she looks like she could snap and go mental on anyone at any second. The only thing that I can fathom is that she is upset that bits of information have leaked through and eventually gotten to everyone else at work but that doesn't seem like enough of a reason to be this excessively mad.

I should mention at this point that my sisters girlfriend and I have been practically best friends for about 10 years, and that since she has been dating my sister that we have become more like family lately. The same goes for my work, we have all been there so long that we all think of each other as family. So if she had issues I would think that she would want to at least try to work things out at some point, but apparently not.

We are all kind of hoping that she quits at this point but that wont stop me from having to have her in my life even if it stops for the rest of the staff.

If anyone has any advice or perspective I would greatly appreciate it.

Award

2010-02-09T22:51:00.003-06:00

Thank you so much to Elise who gave me this award. Please check her out at http://latebloomer13.wordpress.com/2010/02/09/hey-look-at-what-i-have/#comment-132 she has been through an amazing journey of IVF and is now pregnant with her first child. She is very honest and optimistic, and is a really great read.

The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:
•Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
•Copy the award and place it in your blog
•Link the person who nominated you for this award.
•Tell us 7 interesting things about you
•Nominate 7 bloggers
•Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

Here are 7 interesting things about me...

1. I am from Britain and I am now living in the US. I moved here when I was about 11 years old, moved back when I was sixteen, then came back to the US when I was 20, and have been here ever since. I haven't been home in 7 years and I'm finally going to get to go in March! I can't wait!

2. I allow my DH to keep poisonous snakes in our home. Everyone says that I am crazy, including DH's parents. I know, I know, it is kind of crazy but it makes DH soooo happy so I just try to pretend that they're not there.

3. I have somehow made it through my entire life without breaking a bone, beeing stung by a bee/wasp/hornet, or spending one day in a hospital. Uh oh, I really need to go knock on some wood now.

4. I am a English lit major with a minor in studio art. I am still currently a student at the age of 29. I returned to college at the age of 27. I have no idea what I am going to do with this degree but it is my greatest ambition to write and illustrate a children’s book.

5. I am the oldest of 7 children! Most people can't imagine growing up with that many children in this day and age, but I loved it! I am so happy that we were such a big family growing up and holidays are amazing!

6. I am color blind. It is one in hundreds of thousands chance for a girl to be colorblind and I was the lucky one. This also means if I have boys that they will all be colorblind too...sorry boys.

7. I love to garden, but I have only had other people's gardens to tend to so most of what I have planted so far has been bulbs. I can't wait to get my own house so that I can plant whatever I want.

I would like to mention that I love to read other people's blogs. The ones that I do read, I read religiously. So for those of you that are on my list and many of you who I couldn't fit on here, thank you so much for writing. Most of you have no idea how much I treasure you.

1. Dana, whose whit and wisdom inspired me to blog in the first place http://thebabydaydream.blogspot.com

2. Baby on mind, who showed me what a blog could be http://baby-on-mind.blogspot.com/

3. Brandles, who's struggle I have most identified with http://babymakinglab.blogspot.com

4. Jen, who's optimism is contagious http://novembers-girl.blogspot.com

5. Kelly, who has just had her first baby, http://themetcalfmiracle.blogspot.com

6. Resh, who inspires me to cook, when I forget how much I love it http://rkitchen.blogspot.com/

7. Nikki, Who makes me laugh and cry when I read her blog http://journeytobaby1.wordpress.com/

Please check out these blogs, these are some really amazing women!

What's going on?

2010-02-06T15:20:00.003-06:00

I don't really understand what is going on with me lately. For the last two weeks I have felt so overly emotional. Honest to god it really feels like extreme PMS. Have you ever gone through an extended period where your emotions seems to be overwhelming your actual feelings?

When DH was on the androgel for a long period of time I used to feel like this. The testosterone gel actually used to rub off onto my skin (I have looked this up online and asked the doctor about it and they both confirmed this theory). It was not enough to do anything bad to me except that it made my hormones, and therefore my emotions, just a little off. It took several visits to the doctor and a few anti anxiety meds to find this out btw. Not to mention several visits to the dermatologist to find out why I had suddenly developed acne.

Anyway, I feel like that right now, but with no explanation, WTH is going on?

Nervous

2010-02-05T01:59:00.002-06:00

So we are putting in a bid on our first house tomorrow. I am so nervous and excited! I can't wait to find out if this is going to be my home. I just LOVE this house, this is the biggest thing we have done since getting married and I couldn't sleep before that night either, lol.

Other then that the only other thing on my mind is my insurance company. After being charged an unexpected $750 for DH's MRI. I should add here that it was called our deductible, plus various other fees. I called the insurance company to make sure that my HSG was covered. They assured me that it was in fact covered at 100% and all I should have to pay for is my $30 specialist co pay. Ok so mind at rest right? Wrong! I got a call two days ago from the doctor explaining to me that according to our insurance company we will have to pay our deductible again (DH's MRI fell under last years deductible) and they will only pay 80/20 of the remaining amount. Since the total charge for the HSG is about $1000, that means about another $750 for us to pay, WTF??? I am so sick of our insurance company! I have never heard of anyone else having to pay anywhere near that much for a simple test! It sucks, if we have to pay that much I just wont do it. We have so much going on financially with this house and DH's medicine that I will simply have to forget about it! GRRRR

2010-02-02T05:45:00.003-06:00

I am feeling strange, I didn't even know what to call this blog because I can't really put my finger on it. Maybe my hormones are raging a little more then usual but I am just feeling really overly emotional today. I keep feeling like I want to cry all of a sudden but I really have no reason why. Or maybe the reason is just bubbling under the surface, I'm not sure.

At the same time my body keeps feeling like I am craving something but I'm not sure what it is. Ever get that feeling, where you know you need something but you can't quite place it? I keep drinking in case I'm dehydrated or trying different things to it, but nothing quite fits.

I got a migraine today, my first one in a few months. I don't get them often but if I do it's usually on the day I get AF so I imagine it's a hormones thing.

Maybe I just got an extra boost of them today for some reason. I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow.

Btw, I am on the second day of AF's visit so no way these are "symptoms" or anything like that, lol.

Blah

2010-02-01T15:50:00.002-06:00

I'm having kind of a crappy day. I spent all day filling out loan applications, never fun. My back hurts again, I pulled a muscle last week and aggravated it last night while I was working. My head hurts from all of the form filling. I was supposed to be off work tonight to rest it and that fell through. And to top it all off AF came today so I have cramps too.

All in all not the best of days.

The only positive thing that has happened today is that the nurse finally called me back and scheduled my HSG for 2/09/10, so in a week and a half. If that is a positive thing, lol.

Happy days

2010-01-30T13:25:00.004-06:00

I don't know if I have ever mentioned it here before, I tend to stick to IF on my blog, but I have been looking for my first house. But the search is over, I have found the most perfect house! I absolutly adore it! My Mum is in town at the moment and she went with me to look and she fell in love too. It has just about everything that I wanted in a home and more. I am so happy right now I could burst. This is what it look like...

Also I am 13DPO right now but honestly expecting AF tomorrow, but at lesat this house is taking my mind off that.

Impatient

2010-01-27T23:57:00.002-06:00

I am getting really impatient with all of this waiting. I read the posts from other girls and at least they are doing something, whether it is working out for them or not, at least they are doing something. I am ready to try some treatments, to feel like I am making some progress. Bring on the IUI's or IVF's, whatever I need to do I want to do it already!

I got the results of my progesterone test back today, they were and 11.3, whatever that means. The doc told me that it meant that I O'd so I guess that's good. I tried to call them back to see whether or not I had the test at 7DPO rather then 4DPO would make any kind of difference, she said no, but honestly was not that convincing. I kind of have the feeling that she was more concerned with getting me off the phone as quickly as possible. This is something that I have heard over and over again from women, why do these nurse's or receptionists always seem so unfriendly? Why do they always make us feel like our questions are stupid and irrational? Why do I always get a paranoid feeling that when they hang the phone up that they will be saying to the other people in the office "geez, another moron with anoying questions". It's not like I call all the time. The results were left on my voicemail so I just wanted to ask a person rather then relying on what I read online, oh well.

SO I tried to schedule my HSG during the same phone call, to which I got another condescending reply about whether I got permission from my doc. When I replied "yes" she then had to double check and call me back, which didn't happen.

On another note my DH said something interesting the other day. I was saying that one of the girls that had been ttcing the same time as me was giving birth a few days ago and he mentioned that when I say things like that (I imagine that it was more the longing tone to my voice rather then the actual words) he feels like it is an attack on him. I really was astounded. I had absolutely no idea that he felt that way, honestly. He always seems so stoic when we talk about IF that I guess that I often forget about how this is effecting him.

On a final note for this entry, I am 11DPO right now and even though I knew that our chances were extremely low for this cycle I was retaining some hope. Come on, no matter how much we say that we "know" that we aren't pregnant we are always secretly hoping, aren't we? But I really think that my chances are gone this cycle. I'm not sure if it is just me but right before AF comes to visit the walls of my vagina seem swollen. Sorry if that is TMI for you, but since I check my CP I notice it. So today that was the case, as it always is on CD10, and it's a sure fire way to tell AF is coming soon. So I wish she would just get here already so that I can move on to next cycle with hopefully more swimmers to work with.

Too much

2010-01-22T01:12:00.002-06:00

This week has been incredibly stressful. There is just so much going on. I started back to school on Tuesday, which is great. I took last semester off so I have been dying to go back. Going to school isn't that stressful, just busy work, it's my car that is the problem. It is falling to pieces. It over heats if you are stopped at a red light, if you drive too slow, and if you hit traffic...forget about it. So driving back and forth to school has been a nightmare. I am trying to get another car but I have to send off for my title since someone broke into my car and stole mine. Also I haven't been able to renew my drivers licence for a long time since they wouldn't give me another one until my green card was finalized. So I recently learned that I have to retake my test! Can you believe it? I've been driving for ten years and they want me to take my test?

Ok so that is that. Then we have my sister's situation. I still haven't actually spoken to her. I sent her an Email to which she responded, I then responded back and have heard nothing else from her. I did text her the other day and suggest that since we were both on campus that we should meet up and talk. Her only response to this was that she had already left school, no suggestion of an alternative to where and when we could meet and talk was suggested so I didn't bother offering. I think that since I have offered correspondence three separate times now with minimal response that I am basically done trying. I mean there is only so much you can do, right?

Then we have the fact that my mother is here, to in theory help my sister out. meeting up with her and trying to find time to spend with her without my sister is silly and tedious. Then worrying about how it will go with them, sigh*

Then there is the fact that DH and I have been fighting all week long. He is frustrated with me that I missed days of work trying to avoid my sister last week. I know we needed the money but my emotions took over my reasoning there for a minute. I just feel like he isn't being understanding. He is offering no comfort or wisdom, just bitterness and hostility because he thinks my priorities are in the wrong place. The last thing I need right now is him causing me more stress.

Finally, I had me CD 21 blood test done today. I should find out if my progesterone levels are ok either tomorrow morning or sometime on Monday. After this it is definitely on to the HSG on CD 8 next month.

All of this stress has been making my back hurt. At least I assume that's why. My lower back has been killing me. At first I honestly thought it was a dtd injury, lol. But since it seems to have gotten worse everyday I think it must be stress. I have been taking baths every day to no avail.

So hopefully next month things will have calmed down. I guess that since my life is usually pretty laid back that I don't handle stress particularly well. So either I have to learn to cope with it better or things have to get a lot less chaotic real fast.

Coming to terms with it

2010-01-19T06:13:00.002-06:00

So I have sort of settled down about my sister getting pregnant. Well settled might be too strong a word, so would accepted. I am getting closer though.

The things that are stopping me are that she is still lying about this not being planned. Sh insists that it was a drunken accident, while I know through other people that a plan was put in place for custody before the act. Secondly that the man that she chose to father her child has another baby on the way by a different woman. I mean come on? Why would she chose that situation?

Anyway, I have come to terms with the fact that there is absolutely nothing I can do about any of this. I realize that while I may find the situation absurd that this is what she has chosen and it is a done deal now and nothing I can say, or yell, can change that. So why bother.

To this end I have sent her an Email saying that basically that while I may not agree with her choices I will be there for her.

Believe me that was not easy for me, at all, but it was really the only option that I have. I have to talk to her eventually and anything else I say will just push her away. I did add to this Email that she will have to understand that while I accept that she may do whatever she wants with her life she has to understand that it will probably take me a while to come around.

I guess I will wait and see about her responce.

Arrrrrrrrrrgggggggg!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-01-16T04:22:00.004-06:00

So I found out tonight (through a third party) that my sister is pregnant. My 24 year old, unmarried sister. Did I mention that my sister doesn't hardly work, doesn't own a house or a car, or have a drivers licence for tht matter. That she just signed up for school this semester and hasn't even set one foot in a classroom yet? Oh and btw, this sister is a lesbian so there is no way that this wasn't planned. And who knows who the father is, it could be anyone for all I know.

I went mental when I found out, she's knows all about my situation which is why I am sure she didn't tell me. I haven't called her.

I am just so hurt. Dh just doesn't understand why I am so upset. He just says that she is young and dumb and it has nothing to do with us, and since there is jack shit that I can do about it I should just get over it.

I am the oldest of seven children I have had to share everything my whole life and I just didn't want to share this! This was supposed to be mine, it was supposed to be my time. Now I'll never get to be the first girl pregnant. I'll never have that excitment. Our work friends have said it'll be fun you'll be pregnant together, Ha!

I know I am being selfish but I just can't help it I am completely devastated!

mini break down

2010-01-15T14:48:00.002-06:00

Since we got the dx of azoo I only cried that first week and then never again. It was much easier to think about the plan of action, the finances, the statistics etc. I don't think that since then i have really thought about how I felt about it at all.

I have been wondering what has been wrong with me lately. I got the SA that I wanted when we went to the doc three weeks ago so why in world am I more emotional now? It made no sense to me.

Then last night I was reading a friends blog and she had a poem in there called "Wait". It was primarily about a woman who was asking God why she had to keep waiting. Why when she did everything he asked of her was he not answering her prayers; even if the answer was no. His answer to her was that "if I give you everything you want when you want it you will never know me".

I was incredibly touched and frustrated by this idea. As anyone who has ever ttc can attest to it feels like all we ever do is wait. Waiting is the hardest most frustrating part of ttc or IF. So the idea that this is a plan to make me stronger was a appealing and maddening concept.

The point is that for what ever reason, this poem made me think about the child that I have been wanting. I haven't thought about it in that way for a long time, it is just too painful. I think of sperm counts, doctors appointments, cycle lengths, but never children.

Ok, so on to a more positive note, it was good for me. I cried, I cried for a good 30 minutes and today I feel a little raw but much better, much healthier. I got it out of my system a little. I don't feel as much of the weight on my shoulders as I did, and it feels good.

So I recomend it. I recomend thinking about your situation and having a good cry about it every once in a while.

We have blast off

2010-01-13T08:17:00.003-06:00

That's right we dtd. We haven't actually dtd since Dec 11. I know it sounds weird that I remember the exact date but that's only because I had my big INS interview that day. So over a month! I was honestly getting really frustrated.

Dh woke up this morning and announced, "I'm horney". Ok so not the most romantic moment ever but it works for me, lol. His testosterone is coming back, yay! I know this because, and this is going to sound weird, it was kind of a quickie. We haven't been able to have anything remotely close to a quickie in at least 9 months. The drive just wasn't there like it used to be, but now, apparently, it is again!

So this is my weird ode to quickies, I guess. LOL

P.S. I actually got to mark down on the ff calendar...intercourse, lol. Good feeling.

Getting tested

2010-01-12T11:20:00.004-06:00

So I have officially begun to get tested myself. Well officially made appointments anyway. Ok, ok, so this is not the first time I have made this appointment and not gone. But in my defense it is hard to work up the motivation to get poked and prodded to check on something that I am 90% sure is fine, and is a moot point anyway.

This time is different though, this time I want to make sure everything is fine in case we decide to start doing IUI's in March. Dh's urologist requires that I be tested and that everything on my end is up to snuff before he will even consider us for an IUI, since he exclusively deals with MFI.

So 1/21/10 is my progesterone test and tentatively 02/08/10 is my HSG.

I am a little nervous about the pain of the HSG but mostly I am worried about the timing of it. My doc told me that after and HSG you are usually more fertile for the next 3 cycles or so and I don't want to waste an extra fertile cycle if DH's guys aren't going to be ready. Hmmm, maybe I should wait until after his next SA. but then that means definitely no IUI's until April at least. I guess I better give this some thought.

P.S. One of my good friends from work saw some OPK's on sale at Walgreens and bought them for me, wasn't that sweet? They were on sale because someone had stolen the "free" pregnancy test inside not because they were out of date or anything, lol. So I used my first OPK today for four months. I wasn't going to use them at all this month but they were free and staring at me, lol.

Tracking my cycle

2010-01-10T04:45:00.002-06:00

So for the last two days I have been tracking my cycle again. According to fertility friend I have not done this since October 7th.

Every once in a while I would guess some random peice of information just to keep ff going, but this was an actual track. I actually entered my CP and CM into those tiny little boxes. It's very strange how something that used to make me crazy, sad and frustrated is now so exciting to me again.

Now I just have to hope that I can spark DH's interest again...

Strange behavior

2010-01-07T04:01:00.002-06:00

So a few weird things have happened to me since I found out we have sperm.

Firstly I have begun to thoroughly cleaning my house. Ok, not weird for some but for me, strange. I am scrubbing out base boards, cleaning the oven, dusting the doors. These are things I very rarely do if I can help it. Suddenly I need my house to be perfect. I actually went out and bought all new cleaning products and plastic bins to organize all of my draws and cupboards.

Secondly, although first I was extra optimistic now I have become sad again. It is so strange. While before we found out I was very hopeful, now that I know it is something that will eventually happen I am becoming bitter that it has taken so long. I don't know why I am having this stupid change of feelings. I have been through a lot to get to this point and I was so happy last week, why have I now decided to become sorry for myself? I need to snap out of this quick because it is doing me absolutely no good what so ever!

Calm

2010-01-02T06:18:00.002-06:00

I have to stop myself from getting excited. I am counting the days already. I need to try to remember that 1 million sperm isn't nearly enough to get me pregnant naturally. Even if that number quadruples in the next few weeks it still isn't nearly enough. I need to remind myself that it will still take several months for me to be in a position where we have any options. And even when we do have options it will still most likely take months to get pregnant. Just because you have the ability you still only have a 25% chance of concieving each month.

I am actually concidering not trying this month at all. The chances are so low that I don't really want to get my hopes up. Does that sound crazy? Last month when I didn't know where we stood I wanted to try and this month when we show progress I want to stop? Maybe I'm loosing it, lol.

I just want to keep this zen like attitude that not ttc has given me. I hated the way I felt and obsessed when we were "trying". I don't ever want to go back there again.

day 1, CD1

2010-01-01T06:48:00.002-06:00

So it is a new year, and coincidently a new cycle for me too. It kinda feels poetic that I should be on a new cycle on the first day of the year, like I am starting over.

I am feeling very good about 2010. I will buy a new car this year. I will buy a new house this year. I will get a new job this year. And most important of all, I will get pregnant this year.

It will happen for me this year, I am sure of it.

I am feeling good right now. I have a new positive attitude. I had a great new years eve. DH and I went and had a fantastic dinner, went to get a champagne toast at midnight, and came home and played games together. That may sound kind of boring to some but for me it was perfect. Plus for the first time since I was sixteen I am going to start out the new year without a hang over.

This is going to be a great year.

We have sperm!!!

2009-12-28T23:11:00.002-06:00

I can't believe it, we have sperm!!! Just shy of a million of the little guys. Only 6 1/2 weeks of hcg and we have definite results. I can't believe it I am so happy. I went into this visit thinking that anything over two sperm and I would be happy and now we have .96 million of them.

So now I have to become sperm count savy. I know that as of right now the numbers are pretty bad, but we are just starting. It will get better. For those of you in the know these are our exact results...

Total count 0.96M
Total Motile 0.48M

Volume 2.00ml
Density 0.48M/ml
Motility 50%
Forward progression 1.5

Oval 60%
Amorphous 40%

Clumping 0
Round cells 1-4/hpf
Viscosity 1+

So now I am going to spend the next few hours looking up all the information i can find on sperm counts.

Nerves

2009-12-28T06:18:00.002-06:00

I admit it, I am nervous. Actually scared as hell might be a more fitting assessment. I can't sleep and I have been so mean to poor Dh lately.

Frankly, I don't know why but he has been driving me crazy these last few weeks. He never seems to do or say the right thing and I am getting frustrated. I am so confused, usually we get along fine, great even, but this month has been nothing but fighting. Tonight was a whammy. A big massive blow up of a fight, which ended up with me saying "why don't you just move out, I can't seem to stand you anymore". terrible right? I didn't mean it, I don't even know why I said it really. Dh was shocked and hurt, and I was bewildered and angry.

I am tired of fighting. I hate when we fight. I want it to stop.

2 more days

2009-12-27T04:36:00.003-06:00

In two more days we find out if the medicine has been working. In two more days and we do another sperm analysis. In two more days we find out if Dh's testosterone is where it should be. In two more days we find out if their is any sperm there at all.

I keep thinking about the last story I heard of someone else in our position. Two sperm! Two sperm is what they found. So what I need to hope for is two or more sperm, just two little swimmers. I am not meaning two million, with percentages of good and bad swimmers. I am meaning literally two. All I need to think that this might work is two or more swimmers.

Christmas, bah humbug

2009-12-19T16:28:00.002-06:00

I hate to say it, but I don't really think that I will enjoy Christmas this year. I could have gone home to Britain and had a great time but financially it would not have been a good idea. So instead I got roped into working. Dh has to work too.

I understand why it always seems to be us working on the holidays, we are the only one without kids. Usually this doesn't bother me, usually I understand. This year however, I guess it just feels like we are being ripped off. I mean it's not our fault that we don't have children.

I guess I am just feeling a little sorry for myself right now. Hopefully it will pass and I'll just enjoy the day, work or not.

Frustration

2009-12-17T12:48:00.002-06:00

So all this time I have been worrying about whether or not to "try" and it turns out that it is a non-issue.

I have mentioned the fact that DH libido is low right now, right? Well low is beginning to be an understatement. I know that a man needs testosterone to have a sex drive. And we knew going into this cycle of medication that it would take a few months to build up testosterone in his system but this is killing me. Dh has virtually no interest in sex what-so-ever!

Normally this is frustrating, but right now I wanted to at least give it one "go", just incase it is working at all. But it doesn't look like I will have that option this month. Hopefully, by next cycle there will be something going on. In the mean time though, arrrrrrrrg!!!

CM, CP, and Oing...oh my

2009-12-15T06:48:00.002-06:00

So for the last few cycles I have not checked my CM or CP at all. I have been marking down my average O date and then using the day AF arrives to confirm it. So far it has worked out pretty well actually. I always seem to expect AF to arrive on the right date. It seems that I am am pretty regular CD17 Oer.

So why now that I am actually somewhat paying attention am I finding this difficult again? Is it just that I am trying to make this cycle fit into the mold I think I fit in? Or am I misreading the signs because I am trying too hard?

Not that it really matters anyway, i am sure. This is, in all likelihood, an exercise in futility. What really gets me though is how something can be so clear when you don't care about it and so confusing when you do.

Arg, I really didn't miss this. Just relax, stop worrying, and go with the flow.

Not really "trying"

2009-12-14T11:46:00.002-06:00

So I have decided that we are going to do a "not really trying" kind of month. Otherwise known as, "make sure that we BD sometime in my fertile period enough to give me a slight chance but not enough to let DH know that we are Baby dancing". I thought that might be a kind of long title for a blog.

I am giving up on this trying to be ultra sensible lark. Intellectually I know that this month isn't going to result in baby, but who am I kidding? I can't let it go by with no attempt at all.

I have really enjoyed this ttc break. Honestly I really have. I know that I will love being pregnant and having a LO, but ttc SUCKS! The worrying, the stress, the disappointment, who would enjoy that? Well maybe women who get pregnant in a month or two, but definitly not me.

I may be taking another unscheduled ttc break after we get DH's SA results back later on in December, but for now it is, not on, but less off.

Testing

2009-12-04T08:07:00.002-06:00

So this cycle I am supposed to begin getting myself tested. I will do my progesterone test on CD21, I also could do my FSH test on CD3 but I am still under the weather and don't really feel up to it today.

My doc did suggest that I could also do a HSG on CD8 of next month. Actually I am not sure if she would still be interested in doing it since we got the azoospermic diagnosis. Maybe I should put it off a few months so that DH's sperm count can increase in the mean time, as I hear it increases your chances after you have it done.

I am not really that nervous about getting tested myself. So far everything with me has seemed pretty normal. My cycles are practically like clockwork. I O on CD17 almost every month and my LP is always 13-14 days long. No spotting between cycles, pretty text book really. I think I had one cycle a few months back where I didn't O but everyone has one like that every once in a while. Even so DH's doc wants me to get tested. I imagine this is so if we have to have any kind of IF treatments later we don't have to put them on hold so that I can get treated for anything I might need to be.

I have found more women that are in similar situations to me and my DH. There stories all vary a lot. Some women are on the same medicines but different doses, some are on different medications completely, and some went strait into the surgery options. It's weird because when we spoke to the doc he seemed to be so confident, like we had nothing in the world to worry about. But these women are all struggling. He lead us to believe that within 3-6 months that we would practically be done but that was not the case for these other women at all. Some of them never got their DH's to get a normal SA or even close. One of them had to resort to a TESE and IVF/ICSI. It's just scary, I left the office with so much hope and it just seems to be dwindling now.

I haven't mentioned any of this to my DH. I don't want him to feel hopeless, especially when it's him who has to go through of of these painful injections. He is my hero at the moment and I don't want to do anything to discourage him.

Libido

2009-12-02T01:34:00.002-06:00

So I decided that talking to DH was the best way to make up my mind on the subject of ttc next cycle. He was more apprehensive then I was. Which I was expecting. What I wasn't expecting was his reason why.

He said that he just can't get in the mood for BDing since quiting the testosterone therapy. That he certainly didn't think that he would be able to dtd the needed four days in a row for ttc. This made me think. Poor DH. So far I had thought about how crappy it must be for him to inject himself everyday with this medicine that hurts his leg so much that he can barely walk half the time. I had thought about how crappy it must make him feel to finally find out that the problem was him all along. What I hadn't thought about was how the medicine that I was so desperate for him to quit was what was making him feel better. This medicine gives him energy, helps him control mood, and allows him to get into the mood.

Of course I had noticed that our sex life had dwindled down to practically nothing. And I did know that it was the medicine (or rather the lack of medicine) that was causing it. I guess I just didn't think of how badly it must make him feel overall.

I called the doctors office and they said that the hCG should put his testosterone production back into full effect in about six weeks. As of now it's been three. So it's a wait and see game.

As for the "trying", we're going to make that a wait and see thing too.

To try or not to try, that is the question

2009-11-30T23:01:00.002-06:00

So I have been going back and forth about this in my head all week long. Do I want to "try" this cycle? hmmm...

I am very well aware of the fact that the chances of my DH having enough sperm to impregnate me are very very slim, that is to say if there is any there at all. I know this, I know that it doesn't just take millions, but tens of millions to impregnate a woman naturally. Then of all of these tens of millions of sperm a good percentage of them have to be viable, motile, and perfectly shaped to even have a chance in hell.

Knowing all of this, and knowing that the doctor said it would take between 3-6 months to get DH's sperm count up (and knowing that through others accounts of this leads me to believe that this is optimistic). This makes me want to wait. This makes me sure that there would be no chance of it working so why put myself through the pain of an another almost certain negative hpt?

Then on the other hand... why waste a chance? No matter how small the chance? What if the doc is right and DH's sperm count comes back in 3-6 months? If it is fully back in three there must be some there at 6 weeks right? Do I really want to waste any opportunity no matter how small that opportunity is?

So I go back and forth, what to do? What to do?

Why doesn't somebody write a rule book to this stuff?

Thankfull

2009-11-24T06:36:00.002-06:00

Today I am not feeling down at all. I am not feeling bad or deprived for the things I don't have. I am just feeling content. I know that it sounds contrived or possibly even kind of hokey, but I love the things that are already in my life.

I have a great husband who I love dearly. A husband who is willing to go through months and months of painful injections just to give me the baby I have always wanted.

I love me dogs, who still follow me around the house like they are still puppy's.

I love my family, and am so grateful for it being so big. I actually really enjoy them. I don't get frustrated like I see others being when they know that they will have to be with their relatives for the holidays. I actually can't wait to see and hang out with them. We don't get to see each other as much as we would like but when we do it is amazing and fun.

These things are basic things, They are not like winning the lottery. They are just simple things, but they make me feel grateful.

I am going to try to concentrate on these things more from now on.

D day planned

2009-11-22T15:21:00.003-06:00

So I called Dr. Lipshultz and rescheduled our appointment for Dec 28th. That is the BIG day!

At that appointment we will get another SA and we will find out if the medicine is working or not. We can consider the medicine a success if we see any sperm at all. Actually I was reading about another couple who's situation was very similar to ours and at this next visit they had two sperm. Two! Can you believe it! Hahaha, it is so funny that I would be ecstatic about two measly sperm.

Secretly, I am hoping for more then that of course. I would love to go in there and see him have a few million, but that's probably too optimistic. I don't know if hearing this other couples story is a good or a bad thing. Is it keeping me grounded or making me pessimistic?

I am also wrestling with whether or not to "try" next month. I know the the chances are VERY small that we could conceive naturally at this point, but do I want to give up on even the remotest possibility? I want to say no, that we should "try" no matter how inconceivable the chances but this ttc lark is hard on me. It really takes it's toll. I really don't want to put my self through any unnecessary pain. I guess I'll do what I think is right at the time, sigh*

Gods plan

2009-11-18T23:57:00.002-06:00

DH and I were having a discussion today about the difference between gods plan and free will. I asked him "how do you know the difference"? His response was that if you are following gods words then you are on his plan. That if you are on the wrong plan things wont work out, that god would let you know. My responce was that I have never felt like I was hearing gods approval or disapproval of my life, so how do I know?

I guess I have been thinking a lot about what gods plan is for us and for many other couples that I know that are ttc and battling infertility. I started thinking about it when a good friend of ours got his girlfriend pregnant and she decided to have an abortion. The pain and unfairness of it left me slightly bitter. I know that I have no place to question gods plan for anyone but I cannot make myself feel nothing about it. I realize that bad things happen to good people and that good things happen to bad people all the time. It doesn't mean that I have to be ok with it.

A little down

2009-11-16T08:53:00.002-06:00

I am feeling just a little bit down today. I don't know why my optimism isn't where it has been, I mean nothing has changed. I think that maybe it is because in this book I am reading the main character has just had a baby. She is so completely and utterly engrossed and smitten with her new born it makes the story so beautiful and so hard to read.

I think I am also bored with my life at the moment. I feel like it is on hold. I wish I could get a new job. I grow so tired of my work, the same people, the same problems. Then I wonder if that would really make me happy. Would I be happy somewhere new, I have had the same job it has almost become part of who I am.

I am ovulating any day now. I try not to pay attention to it, but it is hard. I am so attuned to my cycle now that the signs a pretty hard to miss. It is frustrating to not be trying. Just a few more months. Please just a few more months.

Starting the medicine

2009-11-16T04:45:00.002-06:00

So we finally got the medicine in the mail. I have got to say it was kind of scary looking. It came in a huge box with a giant bag of needles and a bio hazard bin to throw them away in. The medicine itself came in a tiny little box, in a tiny little jar, and was just a very mandane looking powder.

Dh must have been excited because I went to bed and he mixed it together right away. So far he has done two injections, which unfortunatly make his leg hurt quite a bit.

Dh is really optimistic about the medcine. He has all kinds of hopes about it. He hopes it will help him lose weight, he hopes it will make him feel healthier, he hopes it will increase his sex drive. I just hope that we will see at least one little spermie at our next check up.

Shoo flu

2009-11-08T05:12:00.002-06:00

So today I am finally getting over a week and a half long flu. Or rather a series of two flu's that ran back to back, lucky me. At least I am finally feeling better now.

So Dh's medicine will finally be ordered on Monday. That means it will be here on Tuesday hopefully. So I think I will call the docs and ask him to schedule DH's follow up two weeks later then it was scheduled before. There is no point in paying $150 for an exam if it's too early to tell if the meds are working, right? Lol so that would put his appointment for Dec. 23. Come on Santa, all I want for Christmas is some sperm.

I am also debating on a new job. A real job. Something during the day, with holidays off, insurance, and sick pay. Amazing!

To temp or not to temp?

2009-11-05T02:03:00.002-06:00

So I have been debating lately whether or not to temp this month. I know that there is no chance of me being able to get pg on this cycle or any of the cycles in the immediate future but I was thinking that it may be advantageous to keep track of when I am Oing. I actually might use it to go out of my way to not BD on my Odates. Sounds crazy right, but even though I know that no sperm equals no pregnancy I still reserve the smallest amount of hope that a miricle will happen. If I am not dtd when I O I wont have any reason to drive myself crazy.

Then again, temping is annoying, tedious, and sleep depriving so maybe it is not worth it. Maybe I should wait another few months before I even bother.

Finally, a negative I like

2009-11-03T23:54:00.002-06:00

So we got the results of Dh's MRI, negative! No tumor! I am so relieved, I think I will finally be able to sleep tonight.

Dh will also finally be able to start the hCG this week. I have spoken to a few friends on IF support groups and found out that someone in my exact position ended up getting pregnant au natural. Of course it took almost eighteen months of injections, five failed IUI's, and two failed IVF's. I am trying not to concentrate on that part of it though. Hmmm, that seems like a theme with ttc and IF, trying to concentrate on the possibilities rather then the actualities.

That being said I will concentrate that at the end of this it is possible that I may end up with a child. I am not so foolish as to think that we will not have to do some kind of fertility treatments, but it may happen. I am starting to believe it.

Worse then the 2ww

2009-11-03T05:33:00.002-06:00

I never thought that time could go by any slower then the 2ww. I thought that nothing in the world could make me feel more apprehensive, nervous, and just plain annoyed then that I was wrong. This is worse, this is much much worse.

DH is waiting for the results of an MRI scan to find out if he has a tumor in his pituitary gland.

Time is dragging on like it is being malicious, like it has it out for me. Come on already!

Money makes the world go round

2009-11-02T05:44:00.004-06:00

Infertility is expencive. Always! No matter what part of IF you are dealing with it costs lots of money. Right now my DH is having to take medicine to "jump start" his body into producing sperm again. That is it. Just medicine, no IUI's, or IVF treatments, just medicine. Of course this medicine isn't covered on our insurance, go figure, so it is going to cost us $300 a month. $300 a month! I mean come on. It is pretty invasive too, a shot EOD. That cost doesn't even cover doctors visits, tests, etc. By the end of this it will end up costing us thousands of dollars.

Not that I am saying it's not worth it if the end result is a baby, but jeez, it is still a lot of money. That is before we even concider doing actual fertility treatments. That is before we even know if it will work at all. Arrrrrgggg!!!

Graduation day

2009-10-29T22:33:00.000-05:00

Graduation day

So I have officially graduated from ttc to infertility. After nine grueling months of trying to get pregnant the "old fashioned" way we finally starting getting tested. As it turns out all of that timing, temping, and testing was a waste of energy because Dh's SA revealed zero presence of any sperm.

That was one tough day for us. In fact I think it was the toughest day I have ever had. I had been waiting all day to hear from DH, glancing at the phone every two minutes until I thought "it must be broken" or that "the ringer must have been turned off". Of course it wasn't, DH just didn't know what to say.
When I finally called him his only responce was "we'll talk about it when I get home", I knew it must be bad when he said that.
And so proceeded the longest day of my life. Trying desperatly to distract myself I agreed to go with my sister for a drink. When I was finally sure it had been long enough we headed home. Then disaster, my sister got locked out of her house so she'd had to come back to my house, oh well, DH wasn't home anyway.
When he walked through the door and headed strait for the office I think I must have known then that it was worse then I'd feared. I tried to wait for my sister to leave but eventually I couldn't wait any longer. When I finally asked him I just said "so..." and he said "none". I don't even remember if I asked anything else, I think I went numb. I didn't cry, yell, or say anything else at all. I just went to bed. I remember wanting to cry, wanting to run, to do something, but I couldn't, I was routed to the spot. I dreamt about drowning that night.

That was three weeks ago.