I think I may be back

So it has been months and months since my last blog. I have absolutely no idea what is going on with all of you guys. I am going to spend the rest of tonight finding out though. I am so sorry that I deserted you guys I just had to get away from everything ttc related for a while. I just couldn't do it anymore. Everything was just overwhelming me. So I took a break. I didn't plan to take a break I just did it. I just stopped everything, stopping blogging, stopped talking to my girls on bbc, stopping ttc, stopped everything.

I guess I should go way back and fill you guys in on what you missed.

First off my sister had her baby. She is amazing, beautiful, wonderful, and my sister is a fantastic mom. I got to be there when my beautiful niece was born and it was like nothing else I've ever experienced. My sister was a natural at child birth. She only had to push for about 5 minutes! Can you believe it? I was just in awe of her the whole time. All in all it really was an amazing experience.

I also got a new job. I am still bartending but I now bartend in a four star hotel bar. The money I am making now is really amazing considering I haven't even graduated yet. I am just really happy and excited about it.

So that is the happy news. The bad news is that I was diagnosed as having PCOS. I think that may be the reason for my sudden ttc break down. I was actually pretty blindsided by the diagnosis. I mean I knew I had a few of the symptoms (acne, weight gin round my mid section, not being ble to get pregnant) but I always thought that it was because of DH's issues not mine. My periods are always so regular that I just never thought that it was a possibility.

I must admit I wasn't as devastated as when DH was diagnosed with azoo but I did cry at the doctors office, actually bawled is a more apt description. I was so embarrassed but there was no way of keeping it back after all we have been through.

Since then my sister (not the one who just had a baby) has also being diagnosed with PCOS. She isn't even ttc. She just passed out at work one day, was rushed to the hospital, only to find out that one of her fallopian tubes had collapsed, due to a large cyst on one of her overies.

The doc put me on metformin for the PCOS and thyroid meds for the hypothyroidism. Oh ye, did I mention that I also have hypothyroidism? sigh. I don't seem to have much of a reaction to the metformin alone I don't think, but the thyroid meds are awful. They make me dopey and hyper, jittery and tired, they are just terrible.

I did one round of clomid + progesterone (while also taking the metformin and thyroid meds) a few months ago with just timed BDing. It didn't get us pg but it was a success in that it did make me O. I did have some pretty yucky side effects with the clomid as well. It was fine at first but after O it gave me the worst hot flashes which lasted for months. I also had the worst PMS of my life. It was terrible, I was an emotional wreck for about 4 days. I felt pretty sorry for poor DH after that.

So after that we took about 2 months off. No ttcing at all.

Now we are considering an IUI. Since the clomid didn't treat me that well the RE is going to let me go strait to an IUI with injectables.

I am not really sure what I want to do now though. I am not sure if I really have what it takes to try anymore. I am exhausted emotionally. I just feel so much happier when I am not ttc. DH does not understand this at all. He is frustrated that I have completely given up on ttc naturally. What he doesn't seem to understand is that it is impossible. The RE said that without meds he gives us less then 1% chance of conceiving naturally. I mean that's nothing. That means it's impossible. The emotional wear and tear of the bfn's every month are too much to take when the chances are not there. Dh's answer to this is "you never know, miracles happen", my answer to that is "you watch too many movies".

So now I am just debating on what to do. To try or not to try, that is the question.

I don't even know if anyone will read this now, it's been so long. But if you're out there reading this please let me know you're there nd how you are. I miss you guys.

Need pairs of eyes

So good news and bad news.

The good news is that I got my pre-seed in the mail and it helped us tramendously. It really made bding feel so much better. And because of this our last two tries have been very successfull. So I got my first +opk on the fourteenth and we dtd the next two days after so I am feeling really good about it.

Also more good news is that it was our fourth anniversary today. It was great dh came home with a beautiful orchid for me and took me out to a fab dinner. It was great.

So bad news is that my chart is driving me crazy. My temps are so eratic that it makes me wonder if I am having an anovulatory cycle. The funny thing is though that my temps seem to be following a similar pattern that I have had before so I sm not sure what to think. If anyone wouldn't mind taking a look at it and letting me know what they think I would really appriciate it.

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/27d21a

Not again

So today is CD12, and the first day of our EOD schedule; or so I thought. We BD'd twice today and...nothing. Arrrrrg! Each time took forever too. I am exhausted, and sore, and fed up. I am beginings to think that maybe this is just not meant to be.

It took me five years of waiting for dh to be ready to have a kid, then a year of ttc, 6 months of meds for azoo, and now this. I can't help but think "is someone trying to tell me something"

Premature optimism

So obviously it is early in my cycle, I am only on CD9. But I am feeling optimistic about this cycle. I have ordered some preseed. I have got some folic acid to start taking again. I really think that Dh is really on board to give this a great try this cycle.

It is the last natural cycle that we will be attempting and I have high hopes for it. Obviously that means that I will probably be going crazy later on in the cycle, but that is far into the future at this point so I am not too worries about it now.

I also ordered some Internet cheapy hpt's. I am planning on testing early this cycle. Last month the am I or aren't I part is what drove me nuts, so this cycle I have a new plan. I will test as early as possible and as the negatives keep showing up (which I obviously hope they don't) I will become more and more prepared for AF. That way I wont be devastated when she actually does show up.

I know, believe me I know, that repeatedly seeing no second line on a hpt can be heart wrenching, and I am sure that I will change my mind after a few months of seeing them again. But for now this is my plan and it couldn't be worse then last month.

As of right now though I am excited and looking forward to the weeks to come. This is my month, I am going to have that as my mantra!

My love list

Ok sorry for the cheese factor here, but I am going to post my list of things I love, big and small to remind me (when I get crazy and stressed out during my 2ww this month) about how I have it good.

Ok here goes, in no particular order...

My DH
My dogs
My brothers and sisters
My Mum
My Dad
My Step dad
My new house
To cook
To garden
My TV shows
Video games
Stand up (funny ones anyway)
My best friends Courtney and Mary
My extended family
My Nanny (Grandmother)
Baths
Lamps
Salt and vinegar potato chips
chocolate (especially orange)
Coffee
The smell of vanilla
Warm towels
My IPhone
My fireplace
Crossword puzzles
Curry
Sunday dinners
My in-laws
Making artwork
Spring weather
Christmas
Peking duck
Playing board games
A great book
A great movie

to be continued

Migraines, tension headaches, or something else?

So I went to the doctor today and they have no idea why I am getting these "headaches". He says that my headaches don't fit the exact profile of a migraine because thay don't typically come on only one side and I get no type of aura's (flashes of light or spots that sometimes a precursor to migraine attacks). He also said that they don't sound like tension headaches because tension headaches don't usually come with nausea and light and sound sensitivity.

He did say that it could be a combination of both but he finds this unlikely since I have no personal or family history of either.

he did give me migraine and tension headache meds though and he wants me to try them for no longer then one week. Then if they don't work after the week is up he wants me to come in for an MRI to make sure I don't have any anomalies like a tumor, but not to worry. I mean come on, who's not going to worry when a doctor says to you come back in a week and we'll make sure you don't have a brain tumor? What kind of crap is that?

As for the meds I tried them tonight and they are definitely a no go. They tension headache meds did nothing while the migraine meds made me feel worse. So I don't think I'll even wait the week if this keeps up.

I just hope they find something that works. I'm sure I don't have a brain tumor, but it is still scary. Why do docs always have to make you so nervous?

Happy Easter

Happy Easter to all of my friends in the blogasphere.

So AF came and went, as I kind of knew she would. She came to visit me early this time which makes me think that my timing was very off and that we probably didn't BD until after I O'd.

This month Dh and I discussed making sure that we BD EOD from the 12 to the 18 day of my cycle. That way we cover every eventuality. Also I think I will go back to using OPK's again. And possibly even temping. I enjoy temping later on in my cycle because it gives mr something to do with myself.

Also I have decided to start using preseed and taking baby asprin every day.

On a side note, I don't know if I ever mentioned it before but I have been having terrible migraines for the last 3 months or so. They are becoming pregressively worse and more frequent. I am going to the doctor tomorrow and I am a little nervous.

ttyl