Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I think I may be back

So it has been months and months since my last blog. I have absolutely no idea what is going on with all of you guys. I am going to spend the rest of tonight finding out though. I am so sorry that I deserted you guys I just had to get away from everything ttc related for a while. I just couldn't do it anymore. Everything was just overwhelming me. So I took a break. I didn't plan to take a break I just did it. I just stopped everything, stopping blogging, stopped talking to my girls on bbc, stopping ttc, stopped everything.

I guess I should go way back and fill you guys in on what you missed.

First off my sister had her baby. She is amazing, beautiful, wonderful, and my sister is a fantastic mom. I got to be there when my beautiful niece was born and it was like nothing else I've ever experienced. My sister was a natural at child birth. She only had to push for about 5 minutes! Can you believe it? I was just in awe of her the whole time. All in all it really was an amazing experience.

I also got a new job. I am still bartending but I now bartend in a four star hotel bar. The money I am making now is really amazing considering I haven't even graduated yet. I am just really happy and excited about it.

So that is the happy news. The bad news is that I was diagnosed as having PCOS. I think that may be the reason for my sudden ttc break down. I was actually pretty blindsided by the diagnosis. I mean I knew I had a few of the symptoms (acne, weight gin round my mid section, not being ble to get pregnant) but I always thought that it was because of DH's issues not mine. My periods are always so regular that I just never thought that it was a possibility.

I must admit I wasn't as devastated as when DH was diagnosed with azoo but I did cry at the doctors office, actually bawled is a more apt description. I was so embarrassed but there was no way of keeping it back after all we have been through.

Since then my sister (not the one who just had a baby) has also being diagnosed with PCOS. She isn't even ttc. She just passed out at work one day, was rushed to the hospital, only to find out that one of her fallopian tubes had collapsed, due to a large cyst on one of her overies.

The doc put me on metformin for the PCOS and thyroid meds for the hypothyroidism. Oh ye, did I mention that I also have hypothyroidism? sigh. I don't seem to have much of a reaction to the metformin alone I don't think, but the thyroid meds are awful. They make me dopey and hyper, jittery and tired, they are just terrible.

I did one round of clomid + progesterone (while also taking the metformin and thyroid meds) a few months ago with just timed BDing. It didn't get us pg but it was a success in that it did make me O. I did have some pretty yucky side effects with the clomid as well. It was fine at first but after O it gave me the worst hot flashes which lasted for months. I also had the worst PMS of my life. It was terrible, I was an emotional wreck for about 4 days. I felt pretty sorry for poor DH after that.

So after that we took about 2 months off. No ttcing at all.

Now we are considering an IUI. Since the clomid didn't treat me that well the RE is going to let me go strait to an IUI with injectables.

I am not really sure what I want to do now though. I am not sure if I really have what it takes to try anymore. I am exhausted emotionally. I just feel so much happier when I am not ttc. DH does not understand this at all. He is frustrated that I have completely given up on ttc naturally. What he doesn't seem to understand is that it is impossible. The RE said that without meds he gives us less then 1% chance of conceiving naturally. I mean that's nothing. That means it's impossible. The emotional wear and tear of the bfn's every month are too much to take when the chances are not there. Dh's answer to this is "you never know, miracles happen", my answer to that is "you watch too many movies".

So now I am just debating on what to do. To try or not to try, that is the question.

I don't even know if anyone will read this now, it's been so long. But if you're out there reading this please let me know you're there nd how you are. I miss you guys.