CM, CP, and Oing...oh my

So for the last few cycles I have not checked my CM or CP at all. I have been marking down my average O date and then using the day AF arrives to confirm it. So far it has worked out pretty well actually. I always seem to expect AF to arrive on the right date. It seems that I am am pretty regular CD17 Oer.

So why now that I am actually somewhat paying attention am I finding this difficult again? Is it just that I am trying to make this cycle fit into the mold I think I fit in? Or am I misreading the signs because I am trying too hard?

Not that it really matters anyway, i am sure. This is, in all likelihood, an exercise in futility. What really gets me though is how something can be so clear when you don't care about it and so confusing when you do.

Arg, I really didn't miss this. Just relax, stop worrying, and go with the flow.

Not really "trying"

So I have decided that we are going to do a "not really trying" kind of month. Otherwise known as, "make sure that we BD sometime in my fertile period enough to give me a slight chance but not enough to let DH know that we are Baby dancing". I thought that might be a kind of long title for a blog.

I am giving up on this trying to be ultra sensible lark. Intellectually I know that this month isn't going to result in baby, but who am I kidding? I can't let it go by with no attempt at all.

I have really enjoyed this ttc break. Honestly I really have. I know that I will love being pregnant and having a LO, but ttc SUCKS! The worrying, the stress, the disappointment, who would enjoy that? Well maybe women who get pregnant in a month or two, but definitly not me.

I may be taking another unscheduled ttc break after we get DH's SA results back later on in December, but for now it is, not on, but less off.

Testing

So this cycle I am supposed to begin getting myself tested. I will do my progesterone test on CD21, I also could do my FSH test on CD3 but I am still under the weather and don't really feel up to it today.

My doc did suggest that I could also do a HSG on CD8 of next month. Actually I am not sure if she would still be interested in doing it since we got the azoospermic diagnosis. Maybe I should put it off a few months so that DH's sperm count can increase in the mean time, as I hear it increases your chances after you have it done.

I am not really that nervous about getting tested myself. So far everything with me has seemed pretty normal. My cycles are practically like clockwork. I O on CD17 almost every month and my LP is always 13-14 days long. No spotting between cycles, pretty text book really. I think I had one cycle a few months back where I didn't O but everyone has one like that every once in a while. Even so DH's doc wants me to get tested. I imagine this is so if we have to have any kind of IF treatments later we don't have to put them on hold so that I can get treated for anything I might need to be.

I have found more women that are in similar situations to me and my DH. There stories all vary a lot. Some women are on the same medicines but different doses, some are on different medications completely, and some went strait into the surgery options. It's weird because when we spoke to the doc he seemed to be so confident, like we had nothing in the world to worry about. But these women are all struggling. He lead us to believe that within 3-6 months that we would practically be done but that was not the case for these other women at all. Some of them never got their DH's to get a normal SA or even close. One of them had to resort to a TESE and IVF/ICSI. It's just scary, I left the office with so much hope and it just seems to be dwindling now.

I haven't mentioned any of this to my DH. I don't want him to feel hopeless, especially when it's him who has to go through of of these painful injections. He is my hero at the moment and I don't want to do anything to discourage him.

Libido

So I decided that talking to DH was the best way to make up my mind on the subject of ttc next cycle. He was more apprehensive then I was. Which I was expecting. What I wasn't expecting was his reason why.

He said that he just can't get in the mood for BDing since quiting the testosterone therapy. That he certainly didn't think that he would be able to dtd the needed four days in a row for ttc. This made me think. Poor DH. So far I had thought about how crappy it must be for him to inject himself everyday with this medicine that hurts his leg so much that he can barely walk half the time. I had thought about how crappy it must make him feel to finally find out that the problem was him all along. What I hadn't thought about was how the medicine that I was so desperate for him to quit was what was making him feel better. This medicine gives him energy, helps him control mood, and allows him to get into the mood.

Of course I had noticed that our sex life had dwindled down to practically nothing. And I did know that it was the medicine (or rather the lack of medicine) that was causing it. I guess I just didn't think of how badly it must make him feel overall.

I called the doctors office and they said that the hCG should put his testosterone production back into full effect in about six weeks. As of now it's been three. So it's a wait and see game.

As for the "trying", we're going to make that a wait and see thing too.

To try or not to try, that is the question

So I have been going back and forth about this in my head all week long. Do I want to "try" this cycle? hmmm...

I am very well aware of the fact that the chances of my DH having enough sperm to impregnate me are very very slim, that is to say if there is any there at all. I know this, I know that it doesn't just take millions, but tens of millions to impregnate a woman naturally. Then of all of these tens of millions of sperm a good percentage of them have to be viable, motile, and perfectly shaped to even have a chance in hell.

Knowing all of this, and knowing that the doctor said it would take between 3-6 months to get DH's sperm count up (and knowing that through others accounts of this leads me to believe that this is optimistic). This makes me want to wait. This makes me sure that there would be no chance of it working so why put myself through the pain of an another almost certain negative hpt?

Then on the other hand... why waste a chance? No matter how small the chance? What if the doc is right and DH's sperm count comes back in 3-6 months? If it is fully back in three there must be some there at 6 weeks right? Do I really want to waste any opportunity no matter how small that opportunity is?

So I go back and forth, what to do? What to do?

Why doesn't somebody write a rule book to this stuff?

Thankfull

Today I am not feeling down at all. I am not feeling bad or deprived for the things I don't have. I am just feeling content. I know that it sounds contrived or possibly even kind of hokey, but I love the things that are already in my life.

I have a great husband who I love dearly. A husband who is willing to go through months and months of painful injections just to give me the baby I have always wanted.

I love me dogs, who still follow me around the house like they are still puppy's.

I love my family, and am so grateful for it being so big. I actually really enjoy them. I don't get frustrated like I see others being when they know that they will have to be with their relatives for the holidays. I actually can't wait to see and hang out with them. We don't get to see each other as much as we would like but when we do it is amazing and fun.

These things are basic things, They are not like winning the lottery. They are just simple things, but they make me feel grateful.

I am going to try to concentrate on these things more from now on.

D day planned

So I called Dr. Lipshultz and rescheduled our appointment for Dec 28th. That is the BIG day!

At that appointment we will get another SA and we will find out if the medicine is working or not. We can consider the medicine a success if we see any sperm at all. Actually I was reading about another couple who's situation was very similar to ours and at this next visit they had two sperm. Two! Can you believe it! Hahaha, it is so funny that I would be ecstatic about two measly sperm.

Secretly, I am hoping for more then that of course. I would love to go in there and see him have a few million, but that's probably too optimistic. I don't know if hearing this other couples story is a good or a bad thing. Is it keeping me grounded or making me pessimistic?

I am also wrestling with whether or not to "try" next month. I know the the chances are VERY small that we could conceive naturally at this point, but do I want to give up on even the remotest possibility? I want to say no, that we should "try" no matter how inconceivable the chances but this ttc lark is hard on me. It really takes it's toll. I really don't want to put my self through any unnecessary pain. I guess I'll do what I think is right at the time, sigh*