We have sperm!!!

I can't believe it, we have sperm!!! Just shy of a million of the little guys. Only 6 1/2 weeks of hcg and we have definite results. I can't believe it I am so happy. I went into this visit thinking that anything over two sperm and I would be happy and now we have .96 million of them.

So now I have to become sperm count savy. I know that as of right now the numbers are pretty bad, but we are just starting. It will get better. For those of you in the know these are our exact results...

Total count 0.96M
Total Motile 0.48M

Volume 2.00ml
Density 0.48M/ml
Motility 50%
Forward progression 1.5

Oval 60%
Amorphous 40%

Clumping 0
Round cells 1-4/hpf
Viscosity 1+

So now I am going to spend the next few hours looking up all the information i can find on sperm counts.

Nerves

I admit it, I am nervous. Actually scared as hell might be a more fitting assessment. I can't sleep and I have been so mean to poor Dh lately.

Frankly, I don't know why but he has been driving me crazy these last few weeks. He never seems to do or say the right thing and I am getting frustrated. I am so confused, usually we get along fine, great even, but this month has been nothing but fighting. Tonight was a whammy. A big massive blow up of a fight, which ended up with me saying "why don't you just move out, I can't seem to stand you anymore". terrible right? I didn't mean it, I don't even know why I said it really. Dh was shocked and hurt, and I was bewildered and angry.

I am tired of fighting. I hate when we fight. I want it to stop.

2 more days

In two more days we find out if the medicine has been working. In two more days and we do another sperm analysis. In two more days we find out if Dh's testosterone is where it should be. In two more days we find out if their is any sperm there at all.

I keep thinking about the last story I heard of someone else in our position. Two sperm! Two sperm is what they found. So what I need to hope for is two or more sperm, just two little swimmers. I am not meaning two million, with percentages of good and bad swimmers. I am meaning literally two. All I need to think that this might work is two or more swimmers.

Christmas, bah humbug

I hate to say it, but I don't really think that I will enjoy Christmas this year. I could have gone home to Britain and had a great time but financially it would not have been a good idea. So instead I got roped into working. Dh has to work too.

I understand why it always seems to be us working on the holidays, we are the only one without kids. Usually this doesn't bother me, usually I understand. This year however, I guess it just feels like we are being ripped off. I mean it's not our fault that we don't have children.

I guess I am just feeling a little sorry for myself right now. Hopefully it will pass and I'll just enjoy the day, work or not.

Frustration

So all this time I have been worrying about whether or not to "try" and it turns out that it is a non-issue.

I have mentioned the fact that DH libido is low right now, right? Well low is beginning to be an understatement. I know that a man needs testosterone to have a sex drive. And we knew going into this cycle of medication that it would take a few months to build up testosterone in his system but this is killing me. Dh has virtually no interest in sex what-so-ever!

Normally this is frustrating, but right now I wanted to at least give it one "go", just incase it is working at all. But it doesn't look like I will have that option this month. Hopefully, by next cycle there will be something going on. In the mean time though, arrrrrrrrg!!!

CM, CP, and Oing...oh my

So for the last few cycles I have not checked my CM or CP at all. I have been marking down my average O date and then using the day AF arrives to confirm it. So far it has worked out pretty well actually. I always seem to expect AF to arrive on the right date. It seems that I am am pretty regular CD17 Oer.

So why now that I am actually somewhat paying attention am I finding this difficult again? Is it just that I am trying to make this cycle fit into the mold I think I fit in? Or am I misreading the signs because I am trying too hard?

Not that it really matters anyway, i am sure. This is, in all likelihood, an exercise in futility. What really gets me though is how something can be so clear when you don't care about it and so confusing when you do.

Arg, I really didn't miss this. Just relax, stop worrying, and go with the flow.

Not really "trying"

So I have decided that we are going to do a "not really trying" kind of month. Otherwise known as, "make sure that we BD sometime in my fertile period enough to give me a slight chance but not enough to let DH know that we are Baby dancing". I thought that might be a kind of long title for a blog.

I am giving up on this trying to be ultra sensible lark. Intellectually I know that this month isn't going to result in baby, but who am I kidding? I can't let it go by with no attempt at all.

I have really enjoyed this ttc break. Honestly I really have. I know that I will love being pregnant and having a LO, but ttc SUCKS! The worrying, the stress, the disappointment, who would enjoy that? Well maybe women who get pregnant in a month or two, but definitly not me.

I may be taking another unscheduled ttc break after we get DH's SA results back later on in December, but for now it is, not on, but less off.

Testing

So this cycle I am supposed to begin getting myself tested. I will do my progesterone test on CD21, I also could do my FSH test on CD3 but I am still under the weather and don't really feel up to it today.

My doc did suggest that I could also do a HSG on CD8 of next month. Actually I am not sure if she would still be interested in doing it since we got the azoospermic diagnosis. Maybe I should put it off a few months so that DH's sperm count can increase in the mean time, as I hear it increases your chances after you have it done.

I am not really that nervous about getting tested myself. So far everything with me has seemed pretty normal. My cycles are practically like clockwork. I O on CD17 almost every month and my LP is always 13-14 days long. No spotting between cycles, pretty text book really. I think I had one cycle a few months back where I didn't O but everyone has one like that every once in a while. Even so DH's doc wants me to get tested. I imagine this is so if we have to have any kind of IF treatments later we don't have to put them on hold so that I can get treated for anything I might need to be.

I have found more women that are in similar situations to me and my DH. There stories all vary a lot. Some women are on the same medicines but different doses, some are on different medications completely, and some went strait into the surgery options. It's weird because when we spoke to the doc he seemed to be so confident, like we had nothing in the world to worry about. But these women are all struggling. He lead us to believe that within 3-6 months that we would practically be done but that was not the case for these other women at all. Some of them never got their DH's to get a normal SA or even close. One of them had to resort to a TESE and IVF/ICSI. It's just scary, I left the office with so much hope and it just seems to be dwindling now.

I haven't mentioned any of this to my DH. I don't want him to feel hopeless, especially when it's him who has to go through of of these painful injections. He is my hero at the moment and I don't want to do anything to discourage him.

Libido

So I decided that talking to DH was the best way to make up my mind on the subject of ttc next cycle. He was more apprehensive then I was. Which I was expecting. What I wasn't expecting was his reason why.

He said that he just can't get in the mood for BDing since quiting the testosterone therapy. That he certainly didn't think that he would be able to dtd the needed four days in a row for ttc. This made me think. Poor DH. So far I had thought about how crappy it must be for him to inject himself everyday with this medicine that hurts his leg so much that he can barely walk half the time. I had thought about how crappy it must make him feel to finally find out that the problem was him all along. What I hadn't thought about was how the medicine that I was so desperate for him to quit was what was making him feel better. This medicine gives him energy, helps him control mood, and allows him to get into the mood.

Of course I had noticed that our sex life had dwindled down to practically nothing. And I did know that it was the medicine (or rather the lack of medicine) that was causing it. I guess I just didn't think of how badly it must make him feel overall.

I called the doctors office and they said that the hCG should put his testosterone production back into full effect in about six weeks. As of now it's been three. So it's a wait and see game.

As for the "trying", we're going to make that a wait and see thing too.

To try or not to try, that is the question

So I have been going back and forth about this in my head all week long. Do I want to "try" this cycle? hmmm...

I am very well aware of the fact that the chances of my DH having enough sperm to impregnate me are very very slim, that is to say if there is any there at all. I know this, I know that it doesn't just take millions, but tens of millions to impregnate a woman naturally. Then of all of these tens of millions of sperm a good percentage of them have to be viable, motile, and perfectly shaped to even have a chance in hell.

Knowing all of this, and knowing that the doctor said it would take between 3-6 months to get DH's sperm count up (and knowing that through others accounts of this leads me to believe that this is optimistic). This makes me want to wait. This makes me sure that there would be no chance of it working so why put myself through the pain of an another almost certain negative hpt?

Then on the other hand... why waste a chance? No matter how small the chance? What if the doc is right and DH's sperm count comes back in 3-6 months? If it is fully back in three there must be some there at 6 weeks right? Do I really want to waste any opportunity no matter how small that opportunity is?

So I go back and forth, what to do? What to do?

Why doesn't somebody write a rule book to this stuff?

Thankfull

Today I am not feeling down at all. I am not feeling bad or deprived for the things I don't have. I am just feeling content. I know that it sounds contrived or possibly even kind of hokey, but I love the things that are already in my life.

I have a great husband who I love dearly. A husband who is willing to go through months and months of painful injections just to give me the baby I have always wanted.

I love me dogs, who still follow me around the house like they are still puppy's.

I love my family, and am so grateful for it being so big. I actually really enjoy them. I don't get frustrated like I see others being when they know that they will have to be with their relatives for the holidays. I actually can't wait to see and hang out with them. We don't get to see each other as much as we would like but when we do it is amazing and fun.

These things are basic things, They are not like winning the lottery. They are just simple things, but they make me feel grateful.

I am going to try to concentrate on these things more from now on.

D day planned

So I called Dr. Lipshultz and rescheduled our appointment for Dec 28th. That is the BIG day!

At that appointment we will get another SA and we will find out if the medicine is working or not. We can consider the medicine a success if we see any sperm at all. Actually I was reading about another couple who's situation was very similar to ours and at this next visit they had two sperm. Two! Can you believe it! Hahaha, it is so funny that I would be ecstatic about two measly sperm.

Secretly, I am hoping for more then that of course. I would love to go in there and see him have a few million, but that's probably too optimistic. I don't know if hearing this other couples story is a good or a bad thing. Is it keeping me grounded or making me pessimistic?

I am also wrestling with whether or not to "try" next month. I know the the chances are VERY small that we could conceive naturally at this point, but do I want to give up on even the remotest possibility? I want to say no, that we should "try" no matter how inconceivable the chances but this ttc lark is hard on me. It really takes it's toll. I really don't want to put my self through any unnecessary pain. I guess I'll do what I think is right at the time, sigh*

Gods plan

DH and I were having a discussion today about the difference between gods plan and free will. I asked him "how do you know the difference"? His response was that if you are following gods words then you are on his plan. That if you are on the wrong plan things wont work out, that god would let you know. My responce was that I have never felt like I was hearing gods approval or disapproval of my life, so how do I know?

I guess I have been thinking a lot about what gods plan is for us and for many other couples that I know that are ttc and battling infertility. I started thinking about it when a good friend of ours got his girlfriend pregnant and she decided to have an abortion. The pain and unfairness of it left me slightly bitter. I know that I have no place to question gods plan for anyone but I cannot make myself feel nothing about it. I realize that bad things happen to good people and that good things happen to bad people all the time. It doesn't mean that I have to be ok with it.

A little down

I am feeling just a little bit down today. I don't know why my optimism isn't where it has been, I mean nothing has changed. I think that maybe it is because in this book I am reading the main character has just had a baby. She is so completely and utterly engrossed and smitten with her new born it makes the story so beautiful and so hard to read.

I think I am also bored with my life at the moment. I feel like it is on hold. I wish I could get a new job. I grow so tired of my work, the same people, the same problems. Then I wonder if that would really make me happy. Would I be happy somewhere new, I have had the same job it has almost become part of who I am.

I am ovulating any day now. I try not to pay attention to it, but it is hard. I am so attuned to my cycle now that the signs a pretty hard to miss. It is frustrating to not be trying. Just a few more months. Please just a few more months.

Starting the medicine

So we finally got the medicine in the mail. I have got to say it was kind of scary looking. It came in a huge box with a giant bag of needles and a bio hazard bin to throw them away in. The medicine itself came in a tiny little box, in a tiny little jar, and was just a very mandane looking powder.

Dh must have been excited because I went to bed and he mixed it together right away. So far he has done two injections, which unfortunatly make his leg hurt quite a bit.

Dh is really optimistic about the medcine. He has all kinds of hopes about it. He hopes it will help him lose weight, he hopes it will make him feel healthier, he hopes it will increase his sex drive. I just hope that we will see at least one little spermie at our next check up.

Shoo flu

So today I am finally getting over a week and a half long flu. Or rather a series of two flu's that ran back to back, lucky me. At least I am finally feeling better now.

So Dh's medicine will finally be ordered on Monday. That means it will be here on Tuesday hopefully. So I think I will call the docs and ask him to schedule DH's follow up two weeks later then it was scheduled before. There is no point in paying $150 for an exam if it's too early to tell if the meds are working, right? Lol so that would put his appointment for Dec. 23. Come on Santa, all I want for Christmas is some sperm.

I am also debating on a new job. A real job. Something during the day, with holidays off, insurance, and sick pay. Amazing!

To temp or not to temp?

So I have been debating lately whether or not to temp this month. I know that there is no chance of me being able to get pg on this cycle or any of the cycles in the immediate future but I was thinking that it may be advantageous to keep track of when I am Oing. I actually might use it to go out of my way to not BD on my Odates. Sounds crazy right, but even though I know that no sperm equals no pregnancy I still reserve the smallest amount of hope that a miricle will happen. If I am not dtd when I O I wont have any reason to drive myself crazy.

Then again, temping is annoying, tedious, and sleep depriving so maybe it is not worth it. Maybe I should wait another few months before I even bother.

Finally, a negative I like

So we got the results of Dh's MRI, negative! No tumor! I am so relieved, I think I will finally be able to sleep tonight.

Dh will also finally be able to start the hCG this week. I have spoken to a few friends on IF support groups and found out that someone in my exact position ended up getting pregnant au natural. Of course it took almost eighteen months of injections, five failed IUI's, and two failed IVF's. I am trying not to concentrate on that part of it though. Hmmm, that seems like a theme with ttc and IF, trying to concentrate on the possibilities rather then the actualities.

That being said I will concentrate that at the end of this it is possible that I may end up with a child. I am not so foolish as to think that we will not have to do some kind of fertility treatments, but it may happen. I am starting to believe it.

Worse then the 2ww

I never thought that time could go by any slower then the 2ww. I thought that nothing in the world could make me feel more apprehensive, nervous, and just plain annoyed then that I was wrong. This is worse, this is much much worse.

DH is waiting for the results of an MRI scan to find out if he has a tumor in his pituitary gland.

Time is dragging on like it is being malicious, like it has it out for me. Come on already!

Money makes the world go round

Infertility is expencive. Always! No matter what part of IF you are dealing with it costs lots of money. Right now my DH is having to take medicine to "jump start" his body into producing sperm again. That is it. Just medicine, no IUI's, or IVF treatments, just medicine. Of course this medicine isn't covered on our insurance, go figure, so it is going to cost us $300 a month. $300 a month! I mean come on. It is pretty invasive too, a shot EOD. That cost doesn't even cover doctors visits, tests, etc. By the end of this it will end up costing us thousands of dollars.

Not that I am saying it's not worth it if the end result is a baby, but jeez, it is still a lot of money. That is before we even concider doing actual fertility treatments. That is before we even know if it will work at all. Arrrrrgggg!!!

Graduation day

Graduation day

So I have officially graduated from ttc to infertility. After nine grueling months of trying to get pregnant the "old fashioned" way we finally starting getting tested. As it turns out all of that timing, temping, and testing was a waste of energy because Dh's SA revealed zero presence of any sperm.

That was one tough day for us. In fact I think it was the toughest day I have ever had. I had been waiting all day to hear from DH, glancing at the phone every two minutes until I thought "it must be broken" or that "the ringer must have been turned off". Of course it wasn't, DH just didn't know what to say.
When I finally called him his only responce was "we'll talk about it when I get home", I knew it must be bad when he said that.
And so proceeded the longest day of my life. Trying desperatly to distract myself I agreed to go with my sister for a drink. When I was finally sure it had been long enough we headed home. Then disaster, my sister got locked out of her house so she'd had to come back to my house, oh well, DH wasn't home anyway.
When he walked through the door and headed strait for the office I think I must have known then that it was worse then I'd feared. I tried to wait for my sister to leave but eventually I couldn't wait any longer. When I finally asked him I just said "so..." and he said "none". I don't even remember if I asked anything else, I think I went numb. I didn't cry, yell, or say anything else at all. I just went to bed. I remember wanting to cry, wanting to run, to do something, but I couldn't, I was routed to the spot. I dreamt about drowning that night.

That was three weeks ago.