Thursday, October 29, 2009

Graduation day

Graduation day

So I have officially graduated from ttc to infertility. After nine grueling months of trying to get pregnant the "old fashioned" way we finally starting getting tested. As it turns out all of that timing, temping, and testing was a waste of energy because Dh's SA revealed zero presence of any sperm.

That was one tough day for us. In fact I think it was the toughest day I have ever had. I had been waiting all day to hear from DH, glancing at the phone every two minutes until I thought "it must be broken" or that "the ringer must have been turned off". Of course it wasn't, DH just didn't know what to say.
When I finally called him his only responce was "we'll talk about it when I get home", I knew it must be bad when he said that.
And so proceeded the longest day of my life. Trying desperatly to distract myself I agreed to go with my sister for a drink. When I was finally sure it had been long enough we headed home. Then disaster, my sister got locked out of her house so she'd had to come back to my house, oh well, DH wasn't home anyway.
When he walked through the door and headed strait for the office I think I must have known then that it was worse then I'd feared. I tried to wait for my sister to leave but eventually I couldn't wait any longer. When I finally asked him I just said "so..." and he said "none". I don't even remember if I asked anything else, I think I went numb. I didn't cry, yell, or say anything else at all. I just went to bed. I remember wanting to cry, wanting to run, to do something, but I couldn't, I was routed to the spot. I dreamt about drowning that night.

That was three weeks ago.

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