We have sperm!!!

I can't believe it, we have sperm!!! Just shy of a million of the little guys. Only 6 1/2 weeks of hcg and we have definite results. I can't believe it I am so happy. I went into this visit thinking that anything over two sperm and I would be happy and now we have .96 million of them.

So now I have to become sperm count savy. I know that as of right now the numbers are pretty bad, but we are just starting. It will get better. For those of you in the know these are our exact results...

Total count 0.96M
Total Motile 0.48M

Volume 2.00ml
Density 0.48M/ml
Motility 50%
Forward progression 1.5

Oval 60%
Amorphous 40%

Clumping 0
Round cells 1-4/hpf
Viscosity 1+

So now I am going to spend the next few hours looking up all the information i can find on sperm counts.

Nerves

I admit it, I am nervous. Actually scared as hell might be a more fitting assessment. I can't sleep and I have been so mean to poor Dh lately.

Frankly, I don't know why but he has been driving me crazy these last few weeks. He never seems to do or say the right thing and I am getting frustrated. I am so confused, usually we get along fine, great even, but this month has been nothing but fighting. Tonight was a whammy. A big massive blow up of a fight, which ended up with me saying "why don't you just move out, I can't seem to stand you anymore". terrible right? I didn't mean it, I don't even know why I said it really. Dh was shocked and hurt, and I was bewildered and angry.

I am tired of fighting. I hate when we fight. I want it to stop.

2 more days

In two more days we find out if the medicine has been working. In two more days and we do another sperm analysis. In two more days we find out if Dh's testosterone is where it should be. In two more days we find out if their is any sperm there at all.

I keep thinking about the last story I heard of someone else in our position. Two sperm! Two sperm is what they found. So what I need to hope for is two or more sperm, just two little swimmers. I am not meaning two million, with percentages of good and bad swimmers. I am meaning literally two. All I need to think that this might work is two or more swimmers.

Christmas, bah humbug

I hate to say it, but I don't really think that I will enjoy Christmas this year. I could have gone home to Britain and had a great time but financially it would not have been a good idea. So instead I got roped into working. Dh has to work too.

I understand why it always seems to be us working on the holidays, we are the only one without kids. Usually this doesn't bother me, usually I understand. This year however, I guess it just feels like we are being ripped off. I mean it's not our fault that we don't have children.

I guess I am just feeling a little sorry for myself right now. Hopefully it will pass and I'll just enjoy the day, work or not.

Frustration

So all this time I have been worrying about whether or not to "try" and it turns out that it is a non-issue.

I have mentioned the fact that DH libido is low right now, right? Well low is beginning to be an understatement. I know that a man needs testosterone to have a sex drive. And we knew going into this cycle of medication that it would take a few months to build up testosterone in his system but this is killing me. Dh has virtually no interest in sex what-so-ever!

Normally this is frustrating, but right now I wanted to at least give it one "go", just incase it is working at all. But it doesn't look like I will have that option this month. Hopefully, by next cycle there will be something going on. In the mean time though, arrrrrrrrg!!!

CM, CP, and Oing...oh my

So for the last few cycles I have not checked my CM or CP at all. I have been marking down my average O date and then using the day AF arrives to confirm it. So far it has worked out pretty well actually. I always seem to expect AF to arrive on the right date. It seems that I am am pretty regular CD17 Oer.

So why now that I am actually somewhat paying attention am I finding this difficult again? Is it just that I am trying to make this cycle fit into the mold I think I fit in? Or am I misreading the signs because I am trying too hard?

Not that it really matters anyway, i am sure. This is, in all likelihood, an exercise in futility. What really gets me though is how something can be so clear when you don't care about it and so confusing when you do.

Arg, I really didn't miss this. Just relax, stop worrying, and go with the flow.

Not really "trying"

So I have decided that we are going to do a "not really trying" kind of month. Otherwise known as, "make sure that we BD sometime in my fertile period enough to give me a slight chance but not enough to let DH know that we are Baby dancing". I thought that might be a kind of long title for a blog.

I am giving up on this trying to be ultra sensible lark. Intellectually I know that this month isn't going to result in baby, but who am I kidding? I can't let it go by with no attempt at all.

I have really enjoyed this ttc break. Honestly I really have. I know that I will love being pregnant and having a LO, but ttc SUCKS! The worrying, the stress, the disappointment, who would enjoy that? Well maybe women who get pregnant in a month or two, but definitly not me.

I may be taking another unscheduled ttc break after we get DH's SA results back later on in December, but for now it is, not on, but less off.

Testing

So this cycle I am supposed to begin getting myself tested. I will do my progesterone test on CD21, I also could do my FSH test on CD3 but I am still under the weather and don't really feel up to it today.

My doc did suggest that I could also do a HSG on CD8 of next month. Actually I am not sure if she would still be interested in doing it since we got the azoospermic diagnosis. Maybe I should put it off a few months so that DH's sperm count can increase in the mean time, as I hear it increases your chances after you have it done.

I am not really that nervous about getting tested myself. So far everything with me has seemed pretty normal. My cycles are practically like clockwork. I O on CD17 almost every month and my LP is always 13-14 days long. No spotting between cycles, pretty text book really. I think I had one cycle a few months back where I didn't O but everyone has one like that every once in a while. Even so DH's doc wants me to get tested. I imagine this is so if we have to have any kind of IF treatments later we don't have to put them on hold so that I can get treated for anything I might need to be.

I have found more women that are in similar situations to me and my DH. There stories all vary a lot. Some women are on the same medicines but different doses, some are on different medications completely, and some went strait into the surgery options. It's weird because when we spoke to the doc he seemed to be so confident, like we had nothing in the world to worry about. But these women are all struggling. He lead us to believe that within 3-6 months that we would practically be done but that was not the case for these other women at all. Some of them never got their DH's to get a normal SA or even close. One of them had to resort to a TESE and IVF/ICSI. It's just scary, I left the office with so much hope and it just seems to be dwindling now.

I haven't mentioned any of this to my DH. I don't want him to feel hopeless, especially when it's him who has to go through of of these painful injections. He is my hero at the moment and I don't want to do anything to discourage him.

Libido

So I decided that talking to DH was the best way to make up my mind on the subject of ttc next cycle. He was more apprehensive then I was. Which I was expecting. What I wasn't expecting was his reason why.

He said that he just can't get in the mood for BDing since quiting the testosterone therapy. That he certainly didn't think that he would be able to dtd the needed four days in a row for ttc. This made me think. Poor DH. So far I had thought about how crappy it must be for him to inject himself everyday with this medicine that hurts his leg so much that he can barely walk half the time. I had thought about how crappy it must make him feel to finally find out that the problem was him all along. What I hadn't thought about was how the medicine that I was so desperate for him to quit was what was making him feel better. This medicine gives him energy, helps him control mood, and allows him to get into the mood.

Of course I had noticed that our sex life had dwindled down to practically nothing. And I did know that it was the medicine (or rather the lack of medicine) that was causing it. I guess I just didn't think of how badly it must make him feel overall.

I called the doctors office and they said that the hCG should put his testosterone production back into full effect in about six weeks. As of now it's been three. So it's a wait and see game.

As for the "trying", we're going to make that a wait and see thing too.