Doesn't count

I am so upset with my DH right now. I just feel like he is being totally insensitive. I have been kind of emotional today (I suppose that means AF is right around the corner) and he is being such a jerk. I told him that I have watched 23 people get pregnant while we have been "trying" and he said that "it doesn't really count". I was flabergasted, I mean why would it not count? He said that because we didn't have any sperm that none of this last year counted because we have been trying with no chance of success. That this is the first month that really counts at all. He thinks that I am just being "negative".

I feel like putting it that way just discounts all of the pain I have been through so far. Like I haven't really gone through anything at all because it didn't even count.

I am just so upset right now. Am I overreacting here?

9DPO, arggg

This is why I hate ttc...the waiting. My type A personality does not do well with the unknown. I wish I could say that I have been calm and collected. I wish I was all of those things and more. I am a veteran of ttc, I should know better then this. I should know how to relax by now.

Ok so maybe that isn't something that comes in time. Maybe it's something you either have or you don't have. I should really get rid of my account on ff. Ff is what kills me, I have to check it twice a day. Why I don't know, it's not like the information on it changes.

Ok I need to try to keep my mind on other things. I need to face the fact that we more then likely were too late this cycle. The statistics are against me. Maybe if I can convince myself that there is absolutly no chance of me being pg I could relax.

latent blogger

Sorry i haven't been posting much at all recently. I went about a week without the Internet because of the move, but apart from that I have been so busy with the new house.

Now that's out of the way, onto what has been going on with me.

If you can remember way back to my previous blog, we were debating on whether or not to "try" this cycle. Well, we decided to go for it, but it didn't exactly go as planned. First of all I had been planning on doing the EOD method of trying since DH's count is still kind of low. Well that method back fired big time. We tried to stick to the schedule but the first day we were supposed to try, we couldn't because DH had to work all day and I had to work all night and we actually didn't even see each other at all that whole day. So that was a bust.

On the second scheduled day we tried...and tried...and tried. Dh was just not going to "finish". I was getting sore and frustrated so eventually we just stopped. I have got to tell you guys I was so upset, and I did not hide this from DH. This led to DH being so upset with me that we didn't try the next day either, which admittedly was probably best because I was actually in pain from trying for so long the last time.

So finally it is the day of O and we tried successfully. I am pretty sure that it was too late though, all EWCM was gone by that point.

So our chances are slim this month. I have got so say though, what I was scared of has happened anyway. I am back on ff everyday, I am already counting the days, I am 5DPO btw. I am frustrating myself. I am back to being upset and negative about ttc. I wanted this time to be different. I wanted to be cool, calm, and collected like I have been these previous months. I swear that ttc is just not good for me. It makes me crazy, obsessive, and upset.

I need to get a grip.

Sorry that I have to come back after so long of not posting with such a negative post but this is how I am feeling right now, and unfortunatly this is typically where I vent.

Confused

I think I must be confused. I am so incredibly happy that DH's count has gone back up. I have been so excited that we have officially been given the go ahead to start trying again. For some crazy reason though, I have been thinking of reasons why we should wait. Reason one is that I wanted to lose a bit of weight. Reason two is that I always thought that it would really suck to be born in December. Reason three I stopped taking folic acid supplements a while ago when we stopped trying and you should really take them months in advance.

What am I doing? Why am I sabotaging myself? Am I scared that this might actually be a possibility now? Or am I scared of feeling that old sting of disappointment that I am getting used to feeling?

I think maybe deep down that I might have thought that this might not happen for us. That maybe I am scared of getting my hopes up again. If I do this, if I actually alow myself hope, I am putting myself back up on that precipice and I may fall. I am scared.

Ok so I am now officially in my 30's

almost 30

I have an hour and a half left in my 20's! Ahhhhhhhh

We have more sperm!

We had our four month check up today and the results were as follows...

Volume 2.50
Density 21.60M/ml
Motility 40%
Forward progression 2.5

Total count 54.00M
Total motile 21.60M

Oval 30%
Amorphous 70%

Clumping 1
Round cells 4-5
Viscosity 2


The count for us, is amazing!!! I could not be happier!!! I was really hoping for anything over 10M, and we have 54M, I am ecstatic! I am slightly concerned about the viscosity issue, I'm not too sure what that means, but all in all I am overjoyed!