To try or not to try, that is the question

So I have been going back and forth about this in my head all week long. Do I want to "try" this cycle? hmmm...

I am very well aware of the fact that the chances of my DH having enough sperm to impregnate me are very very slim, that is to say if there is any there at all. I know this, I know that it doesn't just take millions, but tens of millions to impregnate a woman naturally. Then of all of these tens of millions of sperm a good percentage of them have to be viable, motile, and perfectly shaped to even have a chance in hell.

Knowing all of this, and knowing that the doctor said it would take between 3-6 months to get DH's sperm count up (and knowing that through others accounts of this leads me to believe that this is optimistic). This makes me want to wait. This makes me sure that there would be no chance of it working so why put myself through the pain of an another almost certain negative hpt?

Then on the other hand... why waste a chance? No matter how small the chance? What if the doc is right and DH's sperm count comes back in 3-6 months? If it is fully back in three there must be some there at 6 weeks right? Do I really want to waste any opportunity no matter how small that opportunity is?

So I go back and forth, what to do? What to do?

Why doesn't somebody write a rule book to this stuff?

Thankfull

Today I am not feeling down at all. I am not feeling bad or deprived for the things I don't have. I am just feeling content. I know that it sounds contrived or possibly even kind of hokey, but I love the things that are already in my life.

I have a great husband who I love dearly. A husband who is willing to go through months and months of painful injections just to give me the baby I have always wanted.

I love me dogs, who still follow me around the house like they are still puppy's.

I love my family, and am so grateful for it being so big. I actually really enjoy them. I don't get frustrated like I see others being when they know that they will have to be with their relatives for the holidays. I actually can't wait to see and hang out with them. We don't get to see each other as much as we would like but when we do it is amazing and fun.

These things are basic things, They are not like winning the lottery. They are just simple things, but they make me feel grateful.

I am going to try to concentrate on these things more from now on.

D day planned

So I called Dr. Lipshultz and rescheduled our appointment for Dec 28th. That is the BIG day!

At that appointment we will get another SA and we will find out if the medicine is working or not. We can consider the medicine a success if we see any sperm at all. Actually I was reading about another couple who's situation was very similar to ours and at this next visit they had two sperm. Two! Can you believe it! Hahaha, it is so funny that I would be ecstatic about two measly sperm.

Secretly, I am hoping for more then that of course. I would love to go in there and see him have a few million, but that's probably too optimistic. I don't know if hearing this other couples story is a good or a bad thing. Is it keeping me grounded or making me pessimistic?

I am also wrestling with whether or not to "try" next month. I know the the chances are VERY small that we could conceive naturally at this point, but do I want to give up on even the remotest possibility? I want to say no, that we should "try" no matter how inconceivable the chances but this ttc lark is hard on me. It really takes it's toll. I really don't want to put my self through any unnecessary pain. I guess I'll do what I think is right at the time, sigh*

Gods plan

DH and I were having a discussion today about the difference between gods plan and free will. I asked him "how do you know the difference"? His response was that if you are following gods words then you are on his plan. That if you are on the wrong plan things wont work out, that god would let you know. My responce was that I have never felt like I was hearing gods approval or disapproval of my life, so how do I know?

I guess I have been thinking a lot about what gods plan is for us and for many other couples that I know that are ttc and battling infertility. I started thinking about it when a good friend of ours got his girlfriend pregnant and she decided to have an abortion. The pain and unfairness of it left me slightly bitter. I know that I have no place to question gods plan for anyone but I cannot make myself feel nothing about it. I realize that bad things happen to good people and that good things happen to bad people all the time. It doesn't mean that I have to be ok with it.

A little down

I am feeling just a little bit down today. I don't know why my optimism isn't where it has been, I mean nothing has changed. I think that maybe it is because in this book I am reading the main character has just had a baby. She is so completely and utterly engrossed and smitten with her new born it makes the story so beautiful and so hard to read.

I think I am also bored with my life at the moment. I feel like it is on hold. I wish I could get a new job. I grow so tired of my work, the same people, the same problems. Then I wonder if that would really make me happy. Would I be happy somewhere new, I have had the same job it has almost become part of who I am.

I am ovulating any day now. I try not to pay attention to it, but it is hard. I am so attuned to my cycle now that the signs a pretty hard to miss. It is frustrating to not be trying. Just a few more months. Please just a few more months.

Starting the medicine

So we finally got the medicine in the mail. I have got to say it was kind of scary looking. It came in a huge box with a giant bag of needles and a bio hazard bin to throw them away in. The medicine itself came in a tiny little box, in a tiny little jar, and was just a very mandane looking powder.

Dh must have been excited because I went to bed and he mixed it together right away. So far he has done two injections, which unfortunatly make his leg hurt quite a bit.

Dh is really optimistic about the medcine. He has all kinds of hopes about it. He hopes it will help him lose weight, he hopes it will make him feel healthier, he hopes it will increase his sex drive. I just hope that we will see at least one little spermie at our next check up.

Shoo flu

So today I am finally getting over a week and a half long flu. Or rather a series of two flu's that ran back to back, lucky me. At least I am finally feeling better now.

So Dh's medicine will finally be ordered on Monday. That means it will be here on Tuesday hopefully. So I think I will call the docs and ask him to schedule DH's follow up two weeks later then it was scheduled before. There is no point in paying $150 for an exam if it's too early to tell if the meds are working, right? Lol so that would put his appointment for Dec. 23. Come on Santa, all I want for Christmas is some sperm.

I am also debating on a new job. A real job. Something during the day, with holidays off, insurance, and sick pay. Amazing!

To temp or not to temp?

So I have been debating lately whether or not to temp this month. I know that there is no chance of me being able to get pg on this cycle or any of the cycles in the immediate future but I was thinking that it may be advantageous to keep track of when I am Oing. I actually might use it to go out of my way to not BD on my Odates. Sounds crazy right, but even though I know that no sperm equals no pregnancy I still reserve the smallest amount of hope that a miricle will happen. If I am not dtd when I O I wont have any reason to drive myself crazy.

Then again, temping is annoying, tedious, and sleep depriving so maybe it is not worth it. Maybe I should wait another few months before I even bother.

Finally, a negative I like

So we got the results of Dh's MRI, negative! No tumor! I am so relieved, I think I will finally be able to sleep tonight.

Dh will also finally be able to start the hCG this week. I have spoken to a few friends on IF support groups and found out that someone in my exact position ended up getting pregnant au natural. Of course it took almost eighteen months of injections, five failed IUI's, and two failed IVF's. I am trying not to concentrate on that part of it though. Hmmm, that seems like a theme with ttc and IF, trying to concentrate on the possibilities rather then the actualities.

That being said I will concentrate that at the end of this it is possible that I may end up with a child. I am not so foolish as to think that we will not have to do some kind of fertility treatments, but it may happen. I am starting to believe it.

Worse then the 2ww

I never thought that time could go by any slower then the 2ww. I thought that nothing in the world could make me feel more apprehensive, nervous, and just plain annoyed then that I was wrong. This is worse, this is much much worse.

DH is waiting for the results of an MRI scan to find out if he has a tumor in his pituitary gland.

Time is dragging on like it is being malicious, like it has it out for me. Come on already!

Money makes the world go round

Infertility is expencive. Always! No matter what part of IF you are dealing with it costs lots of money. Right now my DH is having to take medicine to "jump start" his body into producing sperm again. That is it. Just medicine, no IUI's, or IVF treatments, just medicine. Of course this medicine isn't covered on our insurance, go figure, so it is going to cost us $300 a month. $300 a month! I mean come on. It is pretty invasive too, a shot EOD. That cost doesn't even cover doctors visits, tests, etc. By the end of this it will end up costing us thousands of dollars.

Not that I am saying it's not worth it if the end result is a baby, but jeez, it is still a lot of money. That is before we even concider doing actual fertility treatments. That is before we even know if it will work at all. Arrrrrgggg!!!