Happy days

I don't know if I have ever mentioned it here before, I tend to stick to IF on my blog, but I have been looking for my first house. But the search is over, I have found the most perfect house! I absolutly adore it! My Mum is in town at the moment and she went with me to look and she fell in love too. It has just about everything that I wanted in a home and more. I am so happy right now I could burst. This is what it look like...











Also I am 13DPO right now but honestly expecting AF tomorrow, but at lesat this house is taking my mind off that.

Impatient

I am getting really impatient with all of this waiting. I read the posts from other girls and at least they are doing something, whether it is working out for them or not, at least they are doing something. I am ready to try some treatments, to feel like I am making some progress. Bring on the IUI's or IVF's, whatever I need to do I want to do it already!

I got the results of my progesterone test back today, they were and 11.3, whatever that means. The doc told me that it meant that I O'd so I guess that's good. I tried to call them back to see whether or not I had the test at 7DPO rather then 4DPO would make any kind of difference, she said no, but honestly was not that convincing. I kind of have the feeling that she was more concerned with getting me off the phone as quickly as possible. This is something that I have heard over and over again from women, why do these nurse's or receptionists always seem so unfriendly? Why do they always make us feel like our questions are stupid and irrational? Why do I always get a paranoid feeling that when they hang the phone up that they will be saying to the other people in the office "geez, another moron with anoying questions". It's not like I call all the time. The results were left on my voicemail so I just wanted to ask a person rather then relying on what I read online, oh well.

SO I tried to schedule my HSG during the same phone call, to which I got another condescending reply about whether I got permission from my doc. When I replied "yes" she then had to double check and call me back, which didn't happen.

On another note my DH said something interesting the other day. I was saying that one of the girls that had been ttcing the same time as me was giving birth a few days ago and he mentioned that when I say things like that (I imagine that it was more the longing tone to my voice rather then the actual words) he feels like it is an attack on him. I really was astounded. I had absolutely no idea that he felt that way, honestly. He always seems so stoic when we talk about IF that I guess that I often forget about how this is effecting him.

On a final note for this entry, I am 11DPO right now and even though I knew that our chances were extremely low for this cycle I was retaining some hope. Come on, no matter how much we say that we "know" that we aren't pregnant we are always secretly hoping, aren't we? But I really think that my chances are gone this cycle. I'm not sure if it is just me but right before AF comes to visit the walls of my vagina seem swollen. Sorry if that is TMI for you, but since I check my CP I notice it. So today that was the case, as it always is on CD10, and it's a sure fire way to tell AF is coming soon. So I wish she would just get here already so that I can move on to next cycle with hopefully more swimmers to work with.

Too much

This week has been incredibly stressful. There is just so much going on. I started back to school on Tuesday, which is great. I took last semester off so I have been dying to go back. Going to school isn't that stressful, just busy work, it's my car that is the problem. It is falling to pieces. It over heats if you are stopped at a red light, if you drive too slow, and if you hit traffic...forget about it. So driving back and forth to school has been a nightmare. I am trying to get another car but I have to send off for my title since someone broke into my car and stole mine. Also I haven't been able to renew my drivers licence for a long time since they wouldn't give me another one until my green card was finalized. So I recently learned that I have to retake my test! Can you believe it? I've been driving for ten years and they want me to take my test?

Ok so that is that. Then we have my sister's situation. I still haven't actually spoken to her. I sent her an Email to which she responded, I then responded back and have heard nothing else from her. I did text her the other day and suggest that since we were both on campus that we should meet up and talk. Her only response to this was that she had already left school, no suggestion of an alternative to where and when we could meet and talk was suggested so I didn't bother offering. I think that since I have offered correspondence three separate times now with minimal response that I am basically done trying. I mean there is only so much you can do, right?

Then we have the fact that my mother is here, to in theory help my sister out. meeting up with her and trying to find time to spend with her without my sister is silly and tedious. Then worrying about how it will go with them, sigh*

Then there is the fact that DH and I have been fighting all week long. He is frustrated with me that I missed days of work trying to avoid my sister last week. I know we needed the money but my emotions took over my reasoning there for a minute. I just feel like he isn't being understanding. He is offering no comfort or wisdom, just bitterness and hostility because he thinks my priorities are in the wrong place. The last thing I need right now is him causing me more stress.

Finally, I had me CD 21 blood test done today. I should find out if my progesterone levels are ok either tomorrow morning or sometime on Monday. After this it is definitely on to the HSG on CD 8 next month.

All of this stress has been making my back hurt. At least I assume that's why. My lower back has been killing me. At first I honestly thought it was a dtd injury, lol. But since it seems to have gotten worse everyday I think it must be stress. I have been taking baths every day to no avail.

So hopefully next month things will have calmed down. I guess that since my life is usually pretty laid back that I don't handle stress particularly well. So either I have to learn to cope with it better or things have to get a lot less chaotic real fast.

Coming to terms with it

So I have sort of settled down about my sister getting pregnant. Well settled might be too strong a word, so would accepted. I am getting closer though.

The things that are stopping me are that she is still lying about this not being planned. Sh insists that it was a drunken accident, while I know through other people that a plan was put in place for custody before the act. Secondly that the man that she chose to father her child has another baby on the way by a different woman. I mean come on? Why would she chose that situation?

Anyway, I have come to terms with the fact that there is absolutely nothing I can do about any of this. I realize that while I may find the situation absurd that this is what she has chosen and it is a done deal now and nothing I can say, or yell, can change that. So why bother.

To this end I have sent her an Email saying that basically that while I may not agree with her choices I will be there for her.

Believe me that was not easy for me, at all, but it was really the only option that I have. I have to talk to her eventually and anything else I say will just push her away. I did add to this Email that she will have to understand that while I accept that she may do whatever she wants with her life she has to understand that it will probably take me a while to come around.

I guess I will wait and see about her responce.

Arrrrrrrrrrgggggggg!!!!!!!!!!!

So I found out tonight (through a third party) that my sister is pregnant. My 24 year old, unmarried sister. Did I mention that my sister doesn't hardly work, doesn't own a house or a car, or have a drivers licence for tht matter. That she just signed up for school this semester and hasn't even set one foot in a classroom yet? Oh and btw, this sister is a lesbian so there is no way that this wasn't planned. And who knows who the father is, it could be anyone for all I know.

I went mental when I found out, she's knows all about my situation which is why I am sure she didn't tell me. I haven't called her.

I am just so hurt. Dh just doesn't understand why I am so upset. He just says that she is young and dumb and it has nothing to do with us, and since there is jack shit that I can do about it I should just get over it.

I am the oldest of seven children I have had to share everything my whole life and I just didn't want to share this! This was supposed to be mine, it was supposed to be my time. Now I'll never get to be the first girl pregnant. I'll never have that excitment. Our work friends have said it'll be fun you'll be pregnant together, Ha!

I know I am being selfish but I just can't help it I am completely devastated!

mini break down

Since we got the dx of azoo I only cried that first week and then never again. It was much easier to think about the plan of action, the finances, the statistics etc. I don't think that since then i have really thought about how I felt about it at all.

I have been wondering what has been wrong with me lately. I got the SA that I wanted when we went to the doc three weeks ago so why in world am I more emotional now? It made no sense to me.

Then last night I was reading a friends blog and she had a poem in there called "Wait". It was primarily about a woman who was asking God why she had to keep waiting. Why when she did everything he asked of her was he not answering her prayers; even if the answer was no. His answer to her was that "if I give you everything you want when you want it you will never know me".

I was incredibly touched and frustrated by this idea. As anyone who has ever ttc can attest to it feels like all we ever do is wait. Waiting is the hardest most frustrating part of ttc or IF. So the idea that this is a plan to make me stronger was a appealing and maddening concept.

The point is that for what ever reason, this poem made me think about the child that I have been wanting. I haven't thought about it in that way for a long time, it is just too painful. I think of sperm counts, doctors appointments, cycle lengths, but never children.

Ok, so on to a more positive note, it was good for me. I cried, I cried for a good 30 minutes and today I feel a little raw but much better, much healthier. I got it out of my system a little. I don't feel as much of the weight on my shoulders as I did, and it feels good.

So I recomend it. I recomend thinking about your situation and having a good cry about it every once in a while.

We have blast off

That's right we dtd. We haven't actually dtd since Dec 11. I know it sounds weird that I remember the exact date but that's only because I had my big INS interview that day. So over a month! I was honestly getting really frustrated.

Dh woke up this morning and announced, "I'm horney". Ok so not the most romantic moment ever but it works for me, lol. His testosterone is coming back, yay! I know this because, and this is going to sound weird, it was kind of a quickie. We haven't been able to have anything remotely close to a quickie in at least 9 months. The drive just wasn't there like it used to be, but now, apparently, it is again!

So this is my weird ode to quickies, I guess. LOL

P.S. I actually got to mark down on the ff calendar...intercourse, lol. Good feeling.

Getting tested

So I have officially begun to get tested myself. Well officially made appointments anyway. Ok, ok, so this is not the first time I have made this appointment and not gone. But in my defense it is hard to work up the motivation to get poked and prodded to check on something that I am 90% sure is fine, and is a moot point anyway.

This time is different though, this time I want to make sure everything is fine in case we decide to start doing IUI's in March. Dh's urologist requires that I be tested and that everything on my end is up to snuff before he will even consider us for an IUI, since he exclusively deals with MFI.

So 1/21/10 is my progesterone test and tentatively 02/08/10 is my HSG.

I am a little nervous about the pain of the HSG but mostly I am worried about the timing of it. My doc told me that after and HSG you are usually more fertile for the next 3 cycles or so and I don't want to waste an extra fertile cycle if DH's guys aren't going to be ready. Hmmm, maybe I should wait until after his next SA. but then that means definitely no IUI's until April at least. I guess I better give this some thought.

P.S. One of my good friends from work saw some OPK's on sale at Walgreens and bought them for me, wasn't that sweet? They were on sale because someone had stolen the "free" pregnancy test inside not because they were out of date or anything, lol. So I used my first OPK today for four months. I wasn't going to use them at all this month but they were free and staring at me, lol.

Tracking my cycle

So for the last two days I have been tracking my cycle again. According to fertility friend I have not done this since October 7th.

Every once in a while I would guess some random peice of information just to keep ff going, but this was an actual track. I actually entered my CP and CM into those tiny little boxes. It's very strange how something that used to make me crazy, sad and frustrated is now so exciting to me again.

Now I just have to hope that I can spark DH's interest again...

Strange behavior

So a few weird things have happened to me since I found out we have sperm.

Firstly I have begun to thoroughly cleaning my house. Ok, not weird for some but for me, strange. I am scrubbing out base boards, cleaning the oven, dusting the doors. These are things I very rarely do if I can help it. Suddenly I need my house to be perfect. I actually went out and bought all new cleaning products and plastic bins to organize all of my draws and cupboards.

Secondly, although first I was extra optimistic now I have become sad again. It is so strange. While before we found out I was very hopeful, now that I know it is something that will eventually happen I am becoming bitter that it has taken so long. I don't know why I am having this stupid change of feelings. I have been through a lot to get to this point and I was so happy last week, why have I now decided to become sorry for myself? I need to snap out of this quick because it is doing me absolutely no good what so ever!

Calm

I have to stop myself from getting excited. I am counting the days already. I need to try to remember that 1 million sperm isn't nearly enough to get me pregnant naturally. Even if that number quadruples in the next few weeks it still isn't nearly enough. I need to remind myself that it will still take several months for me to be in a position where we have any options. And even when we do have options it will still most likely take months to get pregnant. Just because you have the ability you still only have a 25% chance of concieving each month.

I am actually concidering not trying this month at all. The chances are so low that I don't really want to get my hopes up. Does that sound crazy? Last month when I didn't know where we stood I wanted to try and this month when we show progress I want to stop? Maybe I'm loosing it, lol.

I just want to keep this zen like attitude that not ttc has given me. I hated the way I felt and obsessed when we were "trying". I don't ever want to go back there again.

day 1, CD1

So it is a new year, and coincidently a new cycle for me too. It kinda feels poetic that I should be on a new cycle on the first day of the year, like I am starting over.

I am feeling very good about 2010. I will buy a new car this year. I will buy a new house this year. I will get a new job this year. And most important of all, I will get pregnant this year.

It will happen for me this year, I am sure of it.

I am feeling good right now. I have a new positive attitude. I had a great new years eve. DH and I went and had a fantastic dinner, went to get a champagne toast at midnight, and came home and played games together. That may sound kind of boring to some but for me it was perfect. Plus for the first time since I was sixteen I am going to start out the new year without a hang over.

This is going to be a great year.