Friday, January 15, 2010

mini break down

Since we got the dx of azoo I only cried that first week and then never again. It was much easier to think about the plan of action, the finances, the statistics etc. I don't think that since then i have really thought about how I felt about it at all.

I have been wondering what has been wrong with me lately. I got the SA that I wanted when we went to the doc three weeks ago so why in world am I more emotional now? It made no sense to me.

Then last night I was reading a friends blog and she had a poem in there called "Wait". It was primarily about a woman who was asking God why she had to keep waiting. Why when she did everything he asked of her was he not answering her prayers; even if the answer was no. His answer to her was that "if I give you everything you want when you want it you will never know me".

I was incredibly touched and frustrated by this idea. As anyone who has ever ttc can attest to it feels like all we ever do is wait. Waiting is the hardest most frustrating part of ttc or IF. So the idea that this is a plan to make me stronger was a appealing and maddening concept.

The point is that for what ever reason, this poem made me think about the child that I have been wanting. I haven't thought about it in that way for a long time, it is just too painful. I think of sperm counts, doctors appointments, cycle lengths, but never children.

Ok, so on to a more positive note, it was good for me. I cried, I cried for a good 30 minutes and today I feel a little raw but much better, much healthier. I got it out of my system a little. I don't feel as much of the weight on my shoulders as I did, and it feels good.

So I recomend it. I recomend thinking about your situation and having a good cry about it every once in a while.


  1. A good cry always seems to do the trick. I'm glad you are feeling better!

  2. I love and hate the poem at the same time. I have to brace myself before reading it because it makes me cry every single time without fail. Glad it made you feel better.